Joke of the Day

How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch!

How do you pick out the Christian Terrorist out of a crowd?

Find the guy wearing a rebel flag.

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How many MRAs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Tires need changing too you know!

How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to hold the light bulb and two to spin the ladder."

Why does Snape teach options and not herbology?

His lily died

Where's the best place to buy jive cheese?

Monterey, Jack!

How does a Metal Wizard perform his spells?

He ChromeCasts. anDruid humor.

What word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?

Incorrectly.

What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?

Prom

What's yellow and lies in a pond?

Disclaimer: I don't know how well this joke will work in english. What's yellow and lies in a pond? An excevator. You don't think this is funny? Neither does the operator.

What is a toilet in Ancient Mexico?

Aztec.

How many egocentrics does it take to change a light-bulb?

Me, and only me!

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How many people from the future does it take to change a light bulb?

The lightbulb works fine...

What's the name of the scared sky diver?

Hugo First

Where do you put people with ADHD?

A concentration camp

What do you call a sad cancer patient?

Chemo-sobby (kemosabe)

What do you call a German who is up themselves?

A deutsche-bag

What do you call a robot that doesn't support his children?

Nuts and bolts

What was the radioactive senior citizen's super power?

Gramma Rays

Where do you find a five year old with no legs?

Exactly where you left him

What about Fox News?

They haven't shown a fox in months. (Craig Ferguson)

What did some kids call him?

A "Chigga" (i'm not a racist, but this made me laugh for long enough to post it here. Please don't get triggered)

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How do you use calculus in real life?

You integrate it

What do you call a scholarly cop?

A phil-officer.

What did scrooge mcduck use to educate huey , dewey and louie?

Duck tapes

What do you call a coi fish that can't swim?

A decoi

What did the scientist who got attacked by sodium chloride say?

That's a salt!

Why did Microsoft name their new operating system Windows 10?

Because Windows 7 8 9!

What's the difference between me and a dentist?

The dentist pulls it out when it hurts.

What's the difference between Jesus &amp a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

What do pigs like with chow mein?

Sooey sauce.

Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?

Because you're breaking wind.

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What happens if a pyramid commits a crime?

It is put in imPRISMment!

Why couldn't the blonde make icecubes?

because she lost the recipe.

Which playing card can turn its hand to everything?

Jack of all Spades

Why are cripples always made fun of?

because they can't stand up for themselves!

Why are black people tall?

Because they knee grows..

What's the difference between a park bench and a writer?

A park bench can support a family.

How many WoW devs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Doesn't matter. They'll just nerf darkness next patch instead.

What's your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?

Me: Showering is optional Her: HAHAHA, be serious. Me: Ok, no drug tests.

What did the pink panther say as he skipped down the sidewalk?

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead annnnnt, deaaad ant.

Jah Jokes More Jah Jokes

What do you call an unemployed rasta?

Jah bless

What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian?

Jah bless.

Help Jokes More Help Jokes

How can that help in this job?

You do the math"

What did the french fry say to the police officer?

Help me! I've been a-salted!

Canine Jokes More Canine Jokes

What are facts about canines we must believe?

Dogma

What do you give a canine seeking meaningless validation on the internet?

Pupvotes

Spanish Person Jokes More Spanish Person Jokes

What is a Spanish person without a car called?

Carlos

What happens to a girl with anxiety when she sees a Spanish person?

She has a hispanic attack

Homo Genius Jokes More Homo Genius Jokes

What do Alan Turing and a well-mixed solution have in common?

They're both homo-genius.

What will be after homo sapiens in evolution?

Homo genius.

Binocular Jokes More Binocular Jokes

Why did Joseph Goebbels own a pair of binoculars?

For proper gander purposes.

What is the singular form of binoculars?

telescope

Good Dad Jokes More Good Dad Jokes

Why was the storm trooper such a good dad?

He could never hit his kids.

Why don't airplanes make good dads?

They are always taking off.

Slide Jokes More Slide Jokes

What do people do in Greece?

Slip and slide around.

How do monkeys go down the stairs?

They slide down the banana-ster! :D