Car Jokes

What is a NYC nanosecond?

If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green.

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What car does a Mexican drive?

A Quebrolet.

When is a car, not a car?

When it turns into a driveway.

Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union?

They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.

Why do Stasi officers make such good taxi drivers?

You get in the car and they already know your name and where you live.

Why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it?

Because it was stationary.

What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car?

Get in the car"

What kind of car does a rich baker drive?

A Rolls-Royce.

What did the Japanese soda say to Papa John after he crashed his car?

I'm really sodie pop.

What kind of car does a cat drive?

A Cadillac.

How do computers measure pain?

Gigahurts. (Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)

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What do you do when you see a spaceman?

You park your car, man.

How do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

What's the difference between tired and exhausted?

When you run in front of a car you get tired. When you run behind a car you get exhausted.

Why did the witch get a car with manual transmission?

Because she prefers to drive stick!

Why is the LSU football team like my car?

They both used to have Les (less) Miles!

Why didn't George like driving through tunnels with people in his car?

He didn't want to get carpool tunnel syndrome.

Why cant asians drive?

Because cars takes you from A to B

What do you call a nun in a car?

Virgin Mobile

How did the steak knife find himself after drunk driving?

In car, serrated

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car in front of an abortion clinic?

Going in to ask for a coat hanger

This joke may have profanity.

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Why couldn't the Italian man start his car?

gnocchi

What do you call a car that you only drive in the fall?

An autumn-mobile.

Which country has many spaces to put your car in?

Park-istan!

What's the most dangerous possession a gun nut will ever own?

His car.

What do you get when you cross a motorcycle and a truck?

hit by a car.

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half of your dog...I hit it with my car.

How do you fix a car in India?

Get Atul to do it.

What do you call a Mexican that had his car stolen?

Carloss

What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman?

He parks his car, man.

What are cats' natural predators?

Cars.

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What kind of cars do jedis drive?

A toy-

Why was the neighbor's cat afraid of me?

Because I ran over it with my car.

What do you call a car full of nuns?

Virgin Mobile

Where would Helen Keller park her car?

On top of three children.

What did the man say after he was hit by the car?

Nothing. He was dead.

What is the name of your car?

Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'. Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A Christler.

Whats the worst thing about getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside to ask for a coat hanger.

This joke may have profanity.

Why don't auto repair shops fix golf carts?

Because they work with parts for cars, not carts for pars.

What car does Luke Skywalker drive?

A Toyoda

What's a fundamentalist Christian's favorite type of car?

A convertible.

What happened to the man running in front of a car?

He got tired. The man running behind the car -- he got exhausted.

What do you call it when a car full of Mexicans catches fire?

Baked beans

Why is New Jersey called the Garden State?

Cause you're always guardin' your wallet, guardin' your car, and guardin' your house.

What kind of car does Yoda drive?

A Toy-Yoda

Why did the blind guy crashed his car into another car?

Because he forgot to check his blind side.

How many words does it take to start a car?

Forwards

Why can't Elvis Presley roll backwards with his car?

Because he is dead

What car does Jesus drive?

A Chrysler

What do you call a car made out of Canadian money?

A CADillac.

Why did the rich guy crash his car?

He wanted to see how the Mercedes bends

What do you call a man chasing a car?

What do you call a man chasing a car? -Exhausted What do you call a man being chased by a car? -Tired

What type of car would the Hamburglar drive?

A Hamburghini.

How do you tell who loves you more. Your wife or your dog?

Put both of them in the trunk of your car...drive around...open the trunk and see who is happy to see you.

What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?

Tyrannosaurus Wrecks

What kind of car does Bill Cosby drive?

A Honda quaalude. (Credit to my girlfriend)

What do you call an Orangutan, a tortoise and a hamster in cars?

Top Gear,

What car does Boba Fett drive?

A ManDeLorean.

What happens to your car insurance if you don't notify them that you've wrecked a car?

I don't know, but it's not wreck-amended.

Why did Heisenberg remove the speedometer from his car?

So he would stop getting lost everything he checked it.

What does Joaquin Phoenix say when a car almost hits him?

Hey! I'm Joaquin here!

How do you call 4 blacks in a car falling off the cliff?

A waste. You could fit 1 more in the trunk.

Why do hurricanes have women name?

Because they take away your house, your car, your furniture and everything you have.

What's Piccolo's preferred type of car?

DODGE!!!

What's black and white and red allover?

My dalmatian after being hit by a car

What do you call an Asian person that is hit by a car?

Hood orient

Why couldn't the restaurant patron get into his car?

He had Gnocchi.

What do you do when you hear a woman got hit by a car?

Wonder how the hell a car got into the kitchen

What car do dogs drive?

A Doge charger

What is a Car in the U.S.?

A mode of transportation. :D

How many Mexican clowns can you fit in a car?

No, seriously. Cuz I bet it's a lot

How many Mexicans does it take to wax a car?

1 if you hit him just right

How do you call a car designed for midgets?

Half a Romeo. I'll show myself out.

How does the Ultimate Warrior repair his car?

With parts unknown.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car?

because she was a woman!

Why did the pasta chef take his car into the body shop?

Cause it got al dente'd up!

How do you know that a dog is a man's best friend?

Take your girl and your dog, and lock them in the back of a car, return in 5 hours, which one do you think will be happy to see you?

Why do they name all hurricanes after women?

Because when they arrive they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car

What's the name of the car of a hipster batman?

Tumblr.

What brand of car would the Roadrunner be?

Jeep Jeep

What can you say about a car and not a girl/your gf?

It's easy to turn on, and even though it's eleven, I still love her.

Why did the car swerve off the road?

It hit the chicken. Bazing!

Why did the boy die when a car ran over his finger?

His finger was up his nose.

Why is there no market for white tires?

Because black tires makes your car run faster

What do you get when you leave a dog inside a car when it's 100 degrees outside?

A hot dog.

When someone has Taken your car who should you call?

Liam Nissan

What is the car that everyone sleeps in?

The Ford Siesta Many thanks to for that one.

Who do Canadians call when their car breaks down?

Triple, eh?

Where can a hand refuel its car?

At a fist pump.

What do you get if you cross a dog with a sniper rifle and a car?

A !

How do you know a car is from Poland?

The Polish.

What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside to ask for a clothes hanger

This joke may have profanity.

Why do women like men who can work on cars?

They know how to work under the hood!

What's the best part about locking your keys in the car at an abortion clinic?

Plenty of coat hangers.

This joke may have profanity.

What do you think Michael Hastings was working on before he died?

slowing down his car. ... ... shoutout to for this one.

What kind of car does depressed Daniel drive?

Sad Dan

What do you get if you play a C&W song backwards?

Your wife back, your house back, your car back, and your dog back.

What car is so cheap that anyone could purchase it?

A Ford.

How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife?

Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.

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