Stand Jokes

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.

What do you call a guy who stands under a bull?

Understandabull

Why are cripples always made fun of?

because they can't stand up for themselves!

What is the difference between ID and ED?

One of them is a flimsy thing that refuses to stand up on it's own. The other is a medical condition.

How can you tell if a farmer is a good farmer?

He's out standing in his field

How can you tell when an idiot's depressed?

Go stand in front of a mirror

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A wind tunnel.

Where did the memes make their last stand?

The Aylmao.

What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady?

But we'll never know, because he can't stand up?

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What kind of cancer always stands by the government?

Pro-state cancer.

What does A&W stand for?

Amburgers & Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.

When is it okay to punch a midget?

When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.

Why do women have shorter feet?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen counter.

Why is the robot good at one night stands?

Because he nuts and bolts.

Why is that Bono still hasn't found what he's looking for?

Because he's always standing by The Edge.

How did the sheep get a Nobel Prize?

It was out standing in its field!

What does Yao Ming stand for?

When he sits down it takes too long to get back up.

How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

One. He stands in place while the whole world revolves around him.

How do you stay warm outside in the winter?

You just stand in a corner, they are usually around 90 degrees.

Why can't the bicycle stand on its own ?

Because its two tyred

Why would people always stand still to hide from Martin Luther King Jr.?

His vision was based on movements.

Why did 20 blondes stand outside the bar?

Because you need to be 21 to get in.

What did the cow is standing all alone in a field say?

Where are the udders? (Thanks to my three boys for that one!)

Why are double amputees always wrong?

Because they don't have a leg to stand on. Note: I'm a right leg amputee and I made this up myself.

Why did the woman leave her overweight husband unconscious in a burning building?

Because she couldn't stand him.

What did the conceited man say while he stood on the north pole?

The earth revolves around me.

Why did the late man stand on the clock?

He wanted to be on time.

When you're cold inside, where do you stand?

You usually want to stand at a corner, they're around 90 degree's xD

What do you call a Muslim standing between two buildings?

Ali

Why should you never stand behind Elsa from Frozen?

You never know when she'll Let it Go.

Why did the redditor stand on a piece of fruit to check his weight?

BECAUSE HE WAS USING A BANANA FOR SCALE

What does the B in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?

Benoit B. Mandelbrot

Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?

For the watch

Why was the double leg amputee sentenced to life?

He had no leg to stand on.

What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?

A wind tunnel.

How do you tell the difference between a redditor and a MOBA player?

Ask them what OP stands for.

What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

How many frat boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four. One to change the bulb, three to stand around so he has someone to hi-five after.

What do you call an Iguana that can't stand up straight?

Ereptile Dysfunction.

What do you call a group of sorority girls/fraternity guys standing in a circle?

A round of applause ...because they all have the clap.

What do you get when you have barbie dolls standing in a line?

A barbie queue (BBQ)! Also, I made a quick sketch on my iPad. I found the genesis to this joke as a text note in my Evernote this morning, after what seemed like a night of free flow beers. Feel free to downvote me to oblivion.

What does Math stand for?

Mental Abuse To Humans

Why did Oscar Pistorius lose his court case?

He hadn't got a leg to stand on.

What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.

Why did the cow get a job at Google?

Because she was out standing in her field.

What is the definition of a farmer!?

Someone who is out-standing in his field!

Why are women's feet smaller than men's?

So they can stand closer to the sink.

What do you call a nice guy with hemorrhoids?

A stand up guy

Why can't a bicycle stand alone?

It's two tired.

What do you call a kid that stands up to bullies?

An ambulance.

What did Steven hawking say when he first got his wheelchair?

I can't stand being in this

How many guys in the friend zone does it take to light a light bulb?

None, they just stand around complimenting it, and get mad when it won't screw.

What is the best offensive joke you have? Can you make me laugh?

Read all the other threads. I need new content. The old stuff is getting, well old. Here's my contribution. Have you head of the new drinking game? The mike brown special: stand there and take 12 shots. What's the difference between mike brown and a college kid? College kids can handle more shots before they fall down.