Die Jokes

I'm kinda busy, I won't be able to stay any longer, smell ya later" PS: the addict died that day from severe delusions that his coke was talking blanket, lot of coke....

What was the last thing that went through Paul Walker's mind before he died?

The windshield.

What is it called when an unborn baby dies in a horse-drawn sleigh?

A mis-carriage

What happens when a guy from Finland dies?

He is finnished. Ha ha ha. God I am so depressed. :(

What has four legs and isn't alive?

Son: "nice try, a chair!" Dad: "Nope. Our dog just died."

Why are most cemeteries fenced in?

Because everyone is dying to get in

Who's there? Alan Rickman and David Bowie. Alan Rickman and David Bowie who?

Alan Rickman and David Bowie have both died recently.

What will they call Mr. T after he dies?

Mr. T-Bone

Which part of your body shuts down last when you die?

The eyes, cause they di-late.

Why did the blonde feminist want to be cremated when she died?

She thought a traditional burial would be too bio-degrading.

Why do cemeteries have fences?

Because people are dying to get in.

How many communists died during ww2?

not enough

Why did the pimp's garden dry up and die?

Because all of his hose had kinks.

Why do you have to separate red shirts when you put them into the laundry?

Because red shirts die easily.

What do you do to a scientist after he dies?

You Barium.

Who circles a dying gost in the desert?

ghost buzzards

Why did the hipsters die of dehydration?

They stayed away from the mainstream.

Why did the gentleman hold the door?

Because he was dying to do so.

Where will they put Deadmau5 when he dies?

In a Mau5oleum!

Why do you give children who swallowed poison some milk?

To make them happy before they die.

How do blonde brain cells die?

Alone.

What do you with a dying chemist?

Well, if you can't helium and you can't curium, all you can do is barium!

Why do men die before their wives?

Because we want to!

Why did Kyle Crane have to change the lightbulb?

because he had a dying light

What do you call a natural blonde who dies her hair?

Artificial intelligence.

What happens when redditors die?

RIP in box

What did the Japanese chef say when his mother died?

Well, that's the edamame.

Why can't you trust girls?

because you can't trust something that bleeds for days and doesn't die.

What do you call a vegetable/fruit that dies for it's religion?

A Tomartyr

Why did the Russians send a dog to space to die?

Because they didn't Lajka.

Why are Lawyers buried forty feet deep when they die?

Because deep down they're really nice people.

Why did the rapper die after being shot?

He forgot 2pac his bullet proof vest

What do people do when a chemist dies?

They barium.

What did Anakin Skywalker cry out as he lay dying and on fire?

Patme! Patme! Credit to my wife on this one

Who is going to die in the new Star Wars?

Some Stormtrooper

What happens to the water level in the aquarium when one of the fish dies?

It rises because the rest of the fishes are crying :'(

Where do children that die home alone go?

HEAVEN!!

What happens to superficial people when they die?

They end up in a shallow grave.

Why is Lamar Odom so much fun...?

Because, he's just dying to party.

Why Did the Native Americans Car Break Down?

Their Injun died on them!

What would you get if Geddy Lee, Neil Peart and Alex Lifeson all died in a plane crash?

Take your time, there's no Rush...

What happens when you insult Terrance on the Oregon Trail?

You died of dysentery. Sorry.

Why did so many black people die in Vietnam?

Because when they shouted "GET DOWN!" they all started dancing.

Why don't they call the Batman film "The White Knight" instead of "The Dark Knight"?

Because no one would care that he died.

Why are lawyers buried 18 feet deep when they die?

Because deep down they're all actually good people.

What mammal dies after it mates?

Anyone that goes near my wife!

What do you call a jelly bear that died and came back?

A mummy bear

Why are there fences around graveyards/cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in!

Why did the boy die when a car ran over his finger?

His finger was up his nose.

How many super sayen do you need to change a bulb ?

Only one, but it take 4 episodes and Krilin died at the end.

Where do cows go when they die?

Burgertory

What happens when a lawyer dies??

Who cares!

What happens to lawyers after they die?

They lie still.

Why did prince Oxygen inherit the throne after the king died?

Because he was the rightful heir

A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."

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Miss Jokes More Miss Jokes

What do you call a cow that's missing a leg?

A 3 legged cow

Why did the football coach call his quarterback a hairdresser?

Because he missed a split-end on a curl.

Comic Jokes More Comic Jokes

Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery?

Q: Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery? A: Because her career as a comic was stuck, but no matter how he tried, the Dr. couldn't pull a laugh out of her.

What should you do if a vampire borrows your comic?

Wait for him to give it back.

Buddy Jokes More Buddy Jokes

Why did jesus take 3 days to resurrect?

He got hammered with his buddies.

What's the difference between a tsunami and a bear?

A tsunami doesn't care that you are faster than your buddy.

President Jokes More President Jokes

Why should we elect Gabe Newell as President of the United States?

So there won't be a World War III.

Why do you want to run for President?

Because walking wouldn't burn enough calories.

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

How do you tell if a girl is ticklish?

You give her a test-tickle.

What sweetie?

Tell who what ! Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..

Stick Jokes More Stick Jokes

What does Chick-fil-A and their CEO have in common?

Both hate when people stick beef between two buns.

What do you call someone who sticks his right hand in shark's mouths?

Lefty!

Vice President Jokes More Vice President Jokes

What happens when the President dies?

The Vice President takes over. What happens when the Vice President dies? The Speaker of the House takes over. What happens when the Speaker of the House dies? You go to Radio Shack and buy a new speaker.

Why isn't the Vice President running for President this year?

Cuz he's Biden his time.

Dog Jokes More Dog Jokes

Which dog is always without a tail?

A hot dog.

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel?

Sparky

Die Jokes

Who was the famous writer, that died in WWII?

What do they call deers in space?

What dies a little, when explained about?

What's the difference between Jesus and the chicken that crossed the road?

What did the rich bald man want before he died?

How does John Marston take a shower?

Where does every craps player want to go when they die?

How can you tell when a Canadian is successful?

How do most vegans die?

What did they call Jesus after He died on the cross?

Where do Muslim people go when they die?

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Who should have played Bilbo Baggins in Lord of the Rings?

Why did 10 die?

Why do cool guys never look at explosions?

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the dead baby in my microwave?

What did Kermit the Frog say after Jim Hensen died?

How did the psychologist die?

Why are all the plants at the retirement home made of silk and plastic?

Where do lightbulbs die?

Why did Steve Jobs die too soon?

Why did Jesus die on the cross?

Why are there walls around a cemetery?

What was the last thing going through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers before they died?

Why are cemeteries surrounded with walls?

What is the similarity between Steve Job and Robb Stark?

Why do black people have nightmares?

Why did Vivaldi die poor?

How are cats like empty wine bottles?

Why did the grave keeper build a fence around the grave yard?

How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero?

What did the cocaine addict say to his drug of choice?