German Jokes

What did the American WWI vet say to the angry German veteran?

Can't we just let Argonne's be Argonne's?

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What do you call an angry German?

a sourkraut

How do Germans tie their shoelaces?

In little knotsies....

Why did the German girl count to three, then cry?

Because her boyfriend was going in .

How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial?

He doesn't, they are both Aryans.

What happened to the German man's luggage?

It was Lufthansa plane

How do you say Vaseline in German?

Vienerslidein

Why don't Germans like humour?

Because it's inefficient!

How do you say constipated in german?

Farhfrumpoopin'.

How do you say car troubles in German?

Mein Karmph

How many Germans does it take to tile a bathroom?

Only one, if you cut him thin enough.

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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They're efficient and don't have humour.

How does a german get to the airport?

He heils a taxi!

How do you guys think the Germans will do in the Olympics this year?

Not too well considering they can't finish a race.

What do Germans and acetone have in common?

They are both good at removing the Polish!

What's the best way to stop a German train?

them nicely.

How german are you on a scale on 1-10?

Do you even have a permit for this survey?!

How many Germans does it take to make a negative?

Nein.

What's the German super hero called?

Ale-Man

What do Germans look at on the internet?

Danke memes

What's a Korean's favourite take on a traditional British meal?

German Shepherd pie.

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What is a German's favorite number?

6000000

Why there are so many avenues in France?

Because german soldiers like to march in the shade

What did the German physicist call his beer mug?

Ein stein.

What do you call a German with no good inside?

Guten free.

Why are germans so bad at marathons?

Because they cant finish a race.

Why don't Germans compete in marathons?

They have a sad history of not finishing off races.

What do a WW2 German Soldier and an Animal Doctor have in common?

They're both Veteran-Arians (wah wah)

What do you call a group of blind German kids?

Not-sees

What do you call a German barber?

Herr Kutz (This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)

What do they say for jokes about German sausages?

They are the wurst.

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What does a German call a party without Sausage and Cheese?

A Wurst-Kse Scenario

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

NINE!

What do you call a constipated German?

Farfrompoopin.

Whats a mile long and has a thousand arms?

The train to Auschwitz. Some German guy i used to play Path of Exile with told it to me.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. We are efficient and don't like humour.

How do you call sons of australians and germans?

Men at Work

What do you call the German word for Vaseline?

Derweinerslider

What do you call a german that does the exact opposite of what he says to do?

A hypokrout.

Why did the German get their tailor and their barber mixed up?

They call their tailor Herr Dresser

What did the German clock maker say to the broken clock?

Ve haff vays of making you tock!

Why Are Germans Buried 20 Feet Underground?

Because deep down they're real nice

What's a german's favourite number?

Nein

What did the critic think of German food?

Their sausages are the wurst.

What did the balding German frau exclaim when her husband left her?

Ach! I tink I'm losing mein Herr!

Why were the German tomatoes drunk?

Because they'd been on the vine.

Why are the streets in Paris lined with trees?

So the German soldiers can march in shade.

How many germans does it take to change a lightbulp?

One. We are efficient and don't have any humor.

What Nationality was Otzi the Caveman?

He wasn't Italian, because he carried work tools, he wasn't Austrian, since he had some brains, he might have been Swiss, since he was outrun by a glacier, but most probably he was a German, because nobody else ever walks in sandals in the mountains.

What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

What's the name of that German guy that keeps hiding my stuff around the house?

Alzheimer, Grandma.

What did the cowboy say as he walked into a German car garage?

Audi

Why did microsoft go straight to windows 10 ?

They were trying to keep their german market.

What does a German say when you finally explain a funny meme to him?

Danke

Why did the Germans bail the Greeks out?

Because they took Pita on them

What do you say when German secret police is bugging you?

geSTAHPo!

What do you call a German taking a shower?

A Showerkraut.

How many of my fellow Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one of course, as we are highly efficient and have absolutely no sense of humour.

What do you call a German who is up themselves?

A deutsche-bag

Why is the Champs-lyses lined with trees?

So the Germans can march in the shade.

How do you say no in German?

Square root of 81

What's the difference between a German and a Virgin?

one one appreciates good head

Why does the German dad scare all the other kids?

Because he is ein Brtiger! The shirt should say it all. And I'm considering getting one.

How do German bread greet each other?

Gluten tag!

What did one German baker say to the other?

Glutentag!

Why does a German always have the last laugh?

He has to wait for the verb.

What do Germans say when you show them a meme?

Danke.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They are very efficient and don't have much of a sense of humor.

What did the Germans name the Israeli Submarine?

Das Jude

How many contradictory Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nein.

How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?

They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving

How many Germans do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

One. We're efficient not funny!

What do you call a German outkast?

Hey, ja!

What is a German's favorite Pokemon?

NEINtales

Who pays for the drinks?

The German!

Where did the frog say his family came from?

They are German and a tad-Polish"

What do you tell someone from Moscow if he's in a hurry?

Q: What do you tell someone from Moscow who is in a hurry? A: Quit Russian. Q: What do you call a Mexican pessimist? A: A Mexican't Q: What do you call a German who is urinating in an alley? A: A you're a peein'. Q: What does an Asian person have if their leg joints are socially awkward? A: Shy knees. Q: What is a Parisian country cover band's favorite song to play? A: "I've got France in low places."

What causes German Earthquakes?

Teutonic Plates. I'm sorry I'll find my own way out

How do you make German potato pancakes?

Cook them in the microwave

Why did the German baker claim on his insurance at Christmas?

Because his bread was stollen!!!

How many kids does a sterile German have?

Nein.

What do you call a German physician who specializes in the epidermis of the scalp?

Herr Doctor.

How do you say virgin in German?

Goodandtight

What do you call a German grocery store that carries everything but fish?

Not Sea Food.

How do you make a German shepherd?

Put him in a synagogue.

Why so the French line their streets with trees?

So the Germans can march in the shade

What does a German say at a Dude Ranch?

AUDI.

What'd you call a German businessman?

An enterpreNeuer.

What do German women's lingerie and Africa have in common?

Ze-bras!

What do you call a German think tank?

An answer panzer!

What do you call a german who is afraid of enclosed spaces?

Klaustrophobic

What has 16 legs and speaks german?

Dppelspider

Why does everyone hate German sausage jokes?

Because they're the wurst.

Why did the German watchmaker say to the watch that kept saying "Tick, tick, tick, tick,..."?

Ve haff vays of meking you tock."

What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor?

I'd tap that.

What do you call it when you're run over by a German?

Hunover.

Why are there so many trees along the Champs-lyses?

Because ze Germans like to march in ze shade.

How do you say goodbye to German cheese?

Velveetazane

Why are a German vegetarians pessimists?

Because they always fear the wurst.

How do you say happiness in German?

Auschwitz

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English Jokes More English Jokes

What does one call an undertaker that's been drafted into the Military?

A Corpseman. Painfully obvious, yet a terrible play on the English language, I know. It was something I came up with a few years ago, for some unknown reason.

What does a terrorist and a cue ball have in common?

The harder you hit them the more english you get.

German Word Jokes More German Word Jokes

What would Germans call a painfully offensive joke?

Ouchwitz &gtsay ouch when offended or in pain &gtWitz is the German word for joke &gtsounds like auschwitz

What is the German word for Constipation?

Farfrompoopen.

American Jokes More American Jokes

Why was it easier for the whistleblower to leave American soil earlier in the year?

It didn't Snowden.

What's an American's favourite day of the week?

Fryday.

1940 Jokes More 1940 Jokes

Who was the true winner of the 1940 Tour de France?

The 7th German Panzer Division

Who won the Tour de France in 1940?

the Sixth German Panzer Division

French Jokes More French Jokes

What does a French beaver call her home?

Madame

What do you call a french racist?

A beget!

Italian Jokes More Italian Jokes

What was the best time in history for the Italians?

The Marin-era

How do you get a one armed Italian out of a tree?

You talk to him!

Manage Jokes More Manage Jokes

How did you manage to stay single for so long?

Single Handedly

How do you manage to stay in shape?

Witch 2: "I get a lot of hexercise."

Chinese Jokes More Chinese Jokes

How do you know if a Chinese man has robbed your house?

Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later, he's still trying to back out of your driveway.

Why do Asian people never seem to age?

I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.