French Jokes

What do you get when you throw a grenade into a french kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart

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Paperback

Why did the french geologist have to go to the hospital?

He had Gaul stones.

What do you call a cheesy French man?

Parma Jean

What French city always surrenders first?

Toulouse

How does one French arsonist flirt with another one?

Voulez-vous brler avec moi ce soir?"

Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the battle.

What's common between Canadians and Belgians?

They're mostly really nice people, but they have the French living there too.

What do you get when you have the ghost of a French Viking?

Paranorman

What do French people say after they've gone to the bathroom?

Au revoir poo poo

How does a French soldier greet his comrades?

Salut!

Why did the French police arrested the Muslim teenager?

Because he was trying to detonate a Samsung Note 7.

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What is the favorite number of french potheads?

80

What do you call a French dog that sells medicine?

Un phrarmachien!

What do French people put on really funny sandwiches?

LMAO

Why don't the French need air conditioner?

They use 2-in-1 shampoo

What is the favorite scientific unit of the French?

RPM ( Revolutions Per Minute )

What do French athletes wear?

Jaques straps

How many French words has the Turkish language recently adopted?

Beaucoup.

What does a french truck driver shout during Bastille Day?

Have a NICE day!

Why is it impossible to say no to french fries with cheese and bacon?

Because it's a loaded question!

How do french thank who save their files?

Merci backup.

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Ceramic

What did one French Guy say to another French Guy?

Bonjour, je m'apelle Guy aussi!" ("Hello, I am called Guy as well!")

What do you call dark French people?

French Fries

Who makes coffee for the U.N.?

The French Press Secretary!

What do French labor reforms and French citizens have in common?

They'll never work.

What do you call a French bathroom with a bomb in it?

Linoleum Blownapart

What do French people do when vacationing in Laos?

They go swimming in Laotian

What do you call the system of honour of French horses?

Chevalry

What do you call a mentally impaired French Man that cant say no?

A Oui-Tard

Why do the French not pronounce "h" at the beginning of words?

Because they hate it.

How do the French defend a city?

We don't know, they've never tried it.

Exceptionally Bad Dad Jokes: So frightfully awful.. yet wonderfully spiffing

Paperback

Why do the French get high so fast?

Because they'll reach 420 before anyone else. Explanation: 80 is quatre-vingt in french and quatre=4 and vingt= 20.

What did the newly paroled French prisoner name his restaurant?

Attempted Crepe

How do you reject a French girl?

Just say neaux.

What's a barista in France's favorite workout?

A French press

What game do French schoolchildren like to play?

Simon 16

What do you call a dehydrated French man?

Pee Air

How do French girls hold their liquor?

By the ears

What is the motto of the French navy?

To the water, it is time! Or in french... ... BWA HA HA HA. OK... I know this is kind a dad joke but.... yeah (for those don't speak French and thus don't get this, click the link and click the speaker to have it read to you ;) )

How do you know if you're in a French Village?

If you see sap buckets on telephone poles.

What did the french baker ghost said?

BOO! Langerieeee!

How did ISIS do on their French exam?

They bombed it...

How did ISIS do on their French test?

They bombed it...

What is round and hates French people?

The World.

Why does the French flag have Velcro?

So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.

What smells of cheese and is filled with holes?

About 100 French people right now

What does a French carpenter say when he runs out of nails?

I haven't a clous.

What were the French children doing in the pool?

Piscine.

What do you have left after you burn a French alphabet?

H Edit: I don't like explaining jokes but since the first guy didn't get I might as well: When pronounced in a French accent it sounds like ash.

How does a french alcoholic greet someone?

Enchantr."

What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

Why did Aristotle hate French fries?

They were fried in ancient grease!

How many French people need to defend Paris?

It isn't known, never tried.

What kind of coffee do the Islamists hate the most ?

French press

How do you say "I surrender" in french?

Bonjour"

Why did Vietnam revolt against the French?

Because they knew they would Nguyen.

Where do French lawyers like to relax?

The J'accusi

What did the Italian dressing say to the French dressing?

Nothing. Dressings don't have arms

Why do the French like Easter?

Because it's such a bonne ide.

Why do Jihadist Muslims drink only instant coffee?

Because they completely hate the French press. (Reposted)

What's the difference between an English pig and a French pig?

A French pig goes, "Oui! Oui! Oui!" all the way home.

How do French psychologists like their beverages?

froid

What's the difference between a bowling ball and a French girl?

You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

What do French people say when they don't want to see someone ever again?

Au nevoir.

Why are there so many French orphans in the fruit isle of the grocery store?

Because they are all looking for their pre

How many gears does a French Tank have?

5. 4 reverse and 1 forward for parades.

What do you call a french guy wearing sandals?

Felipe Flop

What do you call it when three french cats get into a boat only meant for two?

Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq!

What do French Business Men use to ice their cakes?

Franchicing

What does a french sheep say?

Ca ba?

What does the CEO of Keurig have in common with ISIS?

They both hate the French press

Why do the French always were white when pole vaulting?

So people can see them surrender from afar. Edit: wrong form of the form "wear"

What do you call a French cow that grows sprouts instead of fur?

Chia LaBeouf

What did the french chef give his wife on Valentine's day?

A hug and a little quiche.

Why was the French chef sent to prison?

He was convicted of crepe.

What kind of coffee do terrorists hate?

French press. (Too soon?)

What do Godot and my wife have in common?

Both are French.

Why do Muslim extremists prefer to drink cappuccino?

Because they hate french press.

What did the French man say when he tripped down the stairs?

Eiffel.

Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?

Cause they hate the French press

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi.

How do you advertise a French rifle?

Never fired, dropped once.

What did a blind french guy said he wanted for christmas?

All I want for christmas is yeux"

Why do the French have so many civil wars?

So they can win one every now and again. (Thanks, John Cleese! This was too good not to share.)

How does a French lady hold her liquor?

By the ears

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Fillipe F'Lop

What do you call and Irishman who works in a French cafe?

Paddy Hor D'oeuvre

What did the french chef say when the cheese factory exploded?

What did the french chef say when the cheese factory exploded? Looks like we have debris all over the place

What do you call a french soul singer?

Beret White

How many french men does it take to conquer Paris?

No one knows, it's never been done.

What did the French guy say when he forgot to tell his driver to turn left?

Oh, gosh!

What do the French call a bad Thursday?

A tra-jeudi.

Where were the first French fries made?

in grease

Why can't the French cook two eggs?

Because one egg is

Why so the French line their streets with trees?

So the Germans can march in the shade

What do you call a magic dog in French?

A magi-chien.

Why can't French people count to 5?

Because there's a in the way.

What is the difference between an American rabbit and a French rabbit?

The American rabbit goes hippity hop and the French rabbit goes lickety split!

What's the policy at French morgues?

Baguette and tag it.

What is your funniest joke about the French?

Mine is this: How do you pick out the Frenchmen in a room full of naked soldiers? They're the ones with sunburned armpits.

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How does Dr. Dre like to be told a story?

Chronic-logically.

Why don't girls like playing dodgeball?

Because we don't like getting hit by balls. 12: *giggles for 5 minutes* You are so my child

French Fry Jokes More French Fry Jokes

What do you get if you cross a cow a french fry and a sofa?

A cowch potato!

did you know the first French fries weren't cooked in France?

they were cooked in Greece

Ash Jokes More Ash Jokes

What did Ash tell his Pokemon?

Pokemon Go!

What happened to the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down?

He fell on his ash.

Burn Jokes More Burn Jokes

What do cars and humans have in common?

We both burn gas.

What would you call Neil Armstrong had he burnt up in the atmosphere returning to earth instead of landing safely?

An unfortu-naut... God that was horrible....

Joke Jokes More Joke Jokes

What do you call a day when all jokes on this sub are re-posts?

EVERYDAY !!

Why did they fire the contract lawyer with lazy eye?

He was always dotting his T's and crossing his I's. (I made up this joke myself)

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

Where the hell are u?

ME: Well...u know that shop where u saw that ring you love W: OMG YES M: I'm catching Pokemon near there

How is God just like a regular man?

If you're not on your knees, he's not interested and you know what they say, abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.

French Guy Jokes More French Guy Jokes

How did the french guy feel when he got hit by a piece of bread?

He felt pain.

What did the French guy say when a bird pooped on him?

I have Grey Poupon me

English Jokes More English Jokes

What's the difference between the English rugby team and a teabag?

A teabag stays in the cup longer! (im so sorry -)

What do you call an English teacher five feet tall covered from head to toe in boils and totally bald?

Sir!