Think Jokes

What did the left leg say to the right leg?

A: That one in the middle thinks he's hard.

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What did the horse say to the other horse?

Hay,I thought you knew horses couldn't speak!

What do you call a snowman who cons people?

A snowfake I thought it was appropriate for this time of year. Merry Christmas reddit! You have my permission to tell this at any Xmas parties you attend

What do you call someone who can't think on their feet?

A paraplegic

What's a Pirate's favorite letter?

Rrrrrrrr? You think it be R but it be sea

What's joke #1?

THIS IS NOT A JOKE I'm sure you all have heard the joke where has a number for each joke and that everyone just remembers the numbers instead for typing out the jokes. This always made me think "What would joke #1 be?" What do you think it'd be?

How did the two perverts break up?

I think we should see other peepholes."

Why Don't Black People like Country Music?

Because everytime theres a Hoedown, they think one of their sisters got shot.

What is your guys' opinion on shoes that are a little bit too small?

Honestly, I think they're pretty tight!

What's the difference between a doctor and God?

God doesn't walk around thinking he's a doctor.

Why are topologists on a world of their own?

They think on a whole different dimension.

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Why do neurologists think they're God?

Because they can turn any animal into a vegetable!

What's the best way to make friends?

tell a woman you love her and she says "i think we're just friends..."

Why was the mole afraid of his own shadow?

Because he thought it was another mole, due to his poor eyesight.

What does Dave Grohl say when he thinks there's a stalker in his house?

IS SOMEONE OUT ON THE VEST? THE VEST? THE VEST? THE VESTIBULE?"

What does Pontiac stand for?

Poor, Old, Niagga, Thinks, It's, A, Cadillac. Ba dum tssss

What's the main thing a woman needs to think about when considering a potential boyfriend?

Is this the man I want my kids to spend every second weekend with?

What kind of gum do bees chew?

BUMBLEGUM. Five year olds think it's hilarious. I do not.

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg

Why do americans get manuals when buying a new car?

I thought they only drive automatic

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Whats a pirates favourite letter???

Youd think itd be rrrrr but tis the sea.

What's your Mom's name?

Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time.... Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then? Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....

Who else have gone through this Sarcasm?

Me: Baby, I was thinking about you so sending you She: Thanks for Thinking

Who?

Knock Knock Who's there? 9/11 9/11 Who? I thought you said you would never forget!

What do Greek teenagers say?

Omega!! Note: surely it already exists but I thought of it independently and am proud of my terrible joke!

Who is Superman's brother?

Supperman. Or his kid Soup-erman. One just gets to dinner on time and the other is really good and making soup. E: I thought of it in it in a dream so thats why its not so good

What's a Monk's favorite breakfast food?

Well, they're vegetarians so probably not what you're thinking...

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund. credit to (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

What do you call a water fowl looking in a window?

Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)

What does a conspiracy theorist say when he breaks up with someone?

I think we should start seeing other sheeple."

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What is a Brit's favorite letter?

You'd think it would be "T", but it is "U". *Favourite, btw.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.

How do you guys think the Germans will do in the Olympics this year?

Not too well considering they can't finish a race.

What's a pirate's favourite Roman numeral?

You might think it's II, but his true love be the C.

What do you think of Theresa May?

I'm more of a L'Oreal fan

Why did the Seven Dwarves fire Snow White as their Foreman at the mine?

They thought she was micromanaging them!

What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house?

I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.

Why did France really surrender to Germany?

Just thought of this earlier in the shower... Had gas ever since.

Why did the blonde feminist want to be cremated when she died?

She thought a traditional burial would be too bio-degrading.

What did King George think of the American colonists?

He thought they were revolting!

What's the difference between Jesus and Bono?

Jesus doesn't think he's Bono

Who sang the song "my own worst enemy"?

Them: I think it's Lit Me: I mean I like the song but I wouldn't call it lit...

What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"?

It's "popcorn"! What were you thinking?!

What'd ya call 50 n*ggers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start. P.S: N*ggers=Naggers. I hate those guys. What did you think?? )

Who do you think cares?

Nobody. They're too angry at the mods at to care.

Why did nobody in the Orlando nightclub fight back?

They weren't thinking straight.

Why is the pool table green?

If you got your balls kicked around, I think you would be green too.

What does the cannibal think after seeing a wheelchair user?

Meals on Wheels

What do r/jokes subscribers and Catholic priests have in common?

Both think the shorter the better.

What's a pirates favourite letter?

You may think it's "Arrr", but nay, his first love be the "C".

What do you call a black person who smokes?

An e-cigger. I'm going to hell for thinking of this.

How do you find out if the cat is dead or alive in the Schrodinger's cat paradox?

By thinking outside the box

Why does pokemon have only one save file per game?

I mean think about it, One for Charmander One for Squirtle and one for your second charmander. (found that but it's against rules to post links lol so I'll just leave that here for a good laugh)

Where do Robots go for fun?

The Circuits! (this is a joke i made up when i was like 10, i don't think it ever caught on)

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

Because their horns don't work 8 year old brother just told me this joke, thought it belonged here

What did the sarcastic left hand say to the right hand?

You always think you're right!"

Why did the man build his house out of a tree instead of bricks?

Because he thought it wood look better!

What goes faster from 100 to 0, an asteroid hitting the Earth or this thread's upvote %?

Berni Sanders seems to have been like a bad gift: it's the thought that counts. 80% voted against him in SC, he will be destroyed tomorrow, and estimates show he won't even get half of the delegates Hillary will. Furthermore, even if he were to magically win, the House, Senate and Supreme Court would block his most drastic ideas, making it them simply "food for thought" but not actual thoughts for implementation. Thank you very much.

Why couldn't Mark think of a dad joke?

Mark is black.

Why hasn't there been a Mexican Disney Princess?

Because everyone would just think it's a quinceaera

What did Journey say to the critic as he stormed out of their concert?

Don't stop! Be leaving!" Just a joke I thought up the other day.

Why are millionaires bad at swimming?

Because they drown at their own wealth Edit: I got down voted :( I thought of that in my head and just wanted to share it

Why did I throw my phone out of my window?

Because I turned on airplane mode, and thought it would turn my Iphone into a plane...

How does Mario talk to the dead?

With a luigi board. Made this joke up about 10 years ago while trying to think of terrible laffy taffy jokes.

What does a mole think, when he digs trough lower Austria?

Make way, children.

Why do molluscs only think of themselves?

Because they're shellfish

How is Islam like a GPS?

You may think you're on the right path, but if you follow it literally, you'll end up crashing into a building.

Which is the best kind of dinosaur to play hide & seek with?

An I-Don't-Think- He-Saurus

What's the 6 things that's white on a black guy?

It's quite easy when you think about it. It's the inside of the hands, inside of the feet, the eyes, the teeth, the nails, and the owner.

Why should the Pope play NBA basketball?

Because every time he puts up a prayer it gets answered. (I thought of this myself, but it is so corny, it could easily be in every damn joke book.)

What do you say to a black guy selling drugs?

What did you think it would be, you racist?

Why did you leave me here all alone?

Where o where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and thought I found some one You met a zombie and pblblthpth you were gone.

Why did the movie scene have a rusty pan?

Because Rusty thought the scene in the book was better. I'll show myself out. This is a horrible joke.

What did the ventriloquist say to their friend?

Nothing. He's mute. I don't even think he's as ventriloquist.

Why do white people think they can say the N word?

Because it is the only thing left that still belongs to black people.

What did the critic think of German food?

Their sausages are the wurst.

What did the Mtis people think of the look on Stephen Harper's face when he lost the election?

They though it was Riel funny!

Why do pessimists always think it's the weekend?

Because every day is a sadder-day.

Whats a Pirates favorite letter?

Ya'll think it's the Arrr but it be the Ceeee

What pets think about their owners?

A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God. A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.

Which joke has the maximum HOT Nuns in it?

You don't know none.. And here to learn one.. So when you are with your friends.. Or walking with your son.. Tell them reddit jokes.. thinking now they would listen... (to you) play it cool, play it slow.. No need to blow.. Take this further, take this far.. till sang by a star. (Improvise it as you like, don't care about the grammar. No rapper does.)

Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?

Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.

Who's There?.........9/11.....9/11 Who?

I thought you said you'd never forget...."

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

Why did the inventor of panadol think I had no parents?

I said I'm an orphan.

How does a carpenter effectively build stairs?

He thinks one step ahead

Why did the pirate go to Ireland?

he thought he was going to Arrrland.

What do you call a dead skunk?

A stunk. My daughter made this up when she was about 7 years old. I thought it was incredible clever.

What Did Kid Davis Say To The Lesbian Melons?

you cantaloupe. i just thought of this. probably not the first person to, but i certainly didn't steal it.

What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?

Everyone thinks it's 'R', but his first love be the 'C'.

What do you call a potato that thinks he is in charge?

A Dictator

How do you know that a dog is a man's best friend?

Take your girl and your dog, and lock them in the back of a car, return in 5 hours, which one do you think will be happy to see you?

How is my wife doing?

Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.

What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do?

Wrong.

Why does society think less of a man when he strikes a woman instead of sparing them?

Because a strike only requires one ball while a spare requires two balls

How does Walter Palmer like his eggs?

Poached. Thank you, I'm here all week. EDIT: this got no upvotes and I don't think it deserved any

Why is it called Justice League of America?

Do they follow territorial boundaries? If the Kaos Kommandos start a brawl in El Paso and it rolls over into Juarez, do they say "screw it, let Justice League of Mexico handle it"? (Sorry if this isn't technically a joke; it was my shower thought this morning and I thought it was funny.)

What did Reddit almost change their name to during the Victoria controversy?

Blueit. -just thought of it, sorry its a little late to the party

What do a married guy and a single guy have in common?

They both think the other one gets laid more.

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