Use Jokes

Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

What would Paul McCartney say after losing both his legs?

Suddenly....I'm not half the man I used to be....."

How many Gentlesirs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Screw is such a harsh word, M'Lightbulb. I have too much respect for lamps to use it." Tips fedora

What do engineers use for birth control?

Their personality.

Why can't you hear Michelle Pfeiffer use the restroom?

Because her pee is silent.

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How do you count cows?

You use a cow-culator. Or you round them up. Or any other method the commenters want.

What's does an extractor fan sound like?

I used to love tractors

Why is the LSU football team like my car?

They both used to have Les (less) Miles!

What type of perfume do kidnappers use?

chloroform

What did the dance instructor say to her student when the student wanted to use her bathroom?

Skip to my loo.

Why does the NSA hate winter?

Because they're not used to getting Snowden. (I'll see myself out)

Why don't atheists use exponents?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

What PC does Adele use?

A Dell.

What do you call a scam artist who uses his vocabulary to commit crimes?

A LexiCon

What do Dothraki use to count their horses?

A Khalculator

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Why did the knight stop using the internet?

Because he was sick of chainmail.

What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes?

Remorse code

What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans?

Plot Holders.

How do you speak to a deaf Ted Cruz?

Use zodiac signs

Why did the old man hate using the new chip cards?

He's trying to watch his sodium intake.

What programming languages would we use if C didn't exist?

Ans: PASAL, OBOL and BASI

Why do prison guards use Proactive all the time?

So they can prevent breakouts.

What would Game of Thrones be called if it was about ice cream?

Game of Cones If it was about sword sharpening: Game of Hones If it was just everyone playing Go: Game of Stones If everyone was single: Game of Alones If it was about balls: Game of Throwns If it was about spooky scary skeletons: Game of Bones If everyone used UAVs to fight: Game of Drones If everyone was a banker: Game of Loans If it was about breakfast foods: Game of Scones

Why don't the French need air conditioner?

They use 2-in-1 shampoo

How did Jesus get to the other side of the street?

He used the Cross Walk.

What does Jeremy Clarkson and Amy Winehouse have in common?

They both used to be on top gear.

How do you call the social media that your grandmother uses?

Instagran

What do somolian pirates use as weapons?

Arrrrpg's

What am I?

I start with a v and every woman has one. She can even use me to get what she wants. What am I? I'll post the answer in 10 minutes.

What drug does the lord use to get work done?

God speed.

How did Pavlov keep his dogs so fluffy?

He used conditioner on them.

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?

For Drizzle.

What's the simplest way to make edibles?

Using an easy-bake oven.

How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

What do nuns use for skincare?

Extra virgin oil.

What did the sheep use to shave before his wedding?

Elopping shears

What do elephants use for tampons?

Sheep. Why do elephants have trunks? Sheep don't have strings.

How does a cougar obtain the perfect tan?

She uses a perfect son.

How to make a dog meow or your cat bark?

Freeze your dog and then take an angle grinder and use it on your dog and it Will say meeeeeow. Dunk your cat in gasoline and light it on fire and it Will say woof

How much do used batteries cost?

Nothing, they are free of charge.

Why did Newton's wife got pregnant?

Because he doesn't believe in using quantum

What are the most common 3 words used all around the world?

Made in China.

Why did Lucy fall off the swing?

Jimmy pushed her... Which is a shame because she was getting used to swinging without arms.

How do Asians execute white people?

They cut off their heads using a Gweilotine.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the restroom?

Because they're extinct

What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of its cage?

Camembert

Which program do Jedi use to open PDF-files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?

You slow down and use lube ( )

When do you use duct tape on a duck?

When he's quacked.

How can you tell if a black man has been using your computer?

It won't be there

What do you call people who use the pull out method?

Parents

What did the boy say when he had trouble using glue?

I'm stuck.

Why does America use the imperial system?

Because they are behind

Why do console gamers use their in game names in real life?

They haven't got anti-aliasing.

What kind of cheese can be used to build a structure?

Cottage cheese.

What do you call an armoire that is secretly used as a closet?

A closet closet.

What did Obi-wan say to Luke at the Chinese restaurant?

Use the fork, Luke.

Why do New Zealand farmers now wear kilts?

Because the sheep have gotten used to the sound of zippers

What do you call a nun using katana?

Nunja.

Why frogs don't use Google?

They're angry since Froogle was discontinued years ago!

How do you know when to use "fridge" or "refrigerator"?

Open it, if there's a 'd' in it, it's a fridge.

What do you call the camera used for colonoscopys?

A GoProbe.

What do prisoners used to talk to each other in jail?

Cell Phones.

What do you call a Bear who is just learning to use the force?

A PANDAwan learner.

Why do women love chocolate?

Because it's the only time 'rich' and 'dark' are used to describe the same thing.

How did Lex Luthor hide his money laundering from superman?

He used a krypton-currency.

How can you tell if someone is ticklish?

You use test tickles

What do Child predators use to get dry skin off of their feet?

A Pedofile

What do you call an English teacher who used to have anxiety?

Past tense.

What do you get when a superhero has to use the restroom?

A comic relief.

What time is it in Ireland when someone farts too much?

Two-forty (use an Irish accent)... It's two-farty

Why didn't the doctor use Twitter to tell the patient that he had a deadly disease?

Because the condition was untweetable.

How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Please help. There are ten so far and they have invited their gross friends to our home. They are using the broken lightbulb to smoke crack off of.

What type of gun is used by a pig that is good with the ladies?

A smoothbore.

Which program do Jedis use to open PDF files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi.

What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?

Logger-rhythms.

What's it called when you're using Tinder on the toilet?

Swiping and wiping.

What bait do you use to catch a space fish?

A worm hole

What's the best fabric Softener to use on a cat?

Pounce...

Why do rabbits prefer IPA's over other kinds of beers?

Because they use extra hops

Why did the blind man use chopsticks?

Because he couldn't see the point in forks.

What's the last thing you want to hear while using a urinal?

nice watch"

Why dont they use phone books in China?

Because they have so many Wing's and Wong's That they might Wing the Wong Numba!!!

How often do you use algebra?

Equationally.

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