Child Jokes

What is the difference between Reddit and children's television?

Children don't throw tantrums when there's a rerun of some content.

Jokes for Kids: The Best Jokes, Riddles, Tongue Twisters, Knock-Knock jokes, and One liners for kids: Kids Joke books ages 7-9 8-12

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What's the difference between Beyonce and a shopping bag?

A shopping bag can carry a child.

Why was the woman with no children so good at konami games?

She takes contraceptives.

How many children does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't need a lightbulb when I have the furnace ready.

What's big, yellow, and can't swim?

A schoolbus full of children.

Why are there broken condoms on our couch???

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names?

This joke may have profanity.

How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

What's the difference between refrigerator and a child?

Refrigerator doesn't have a 'd' in it.

What did Tammy say after she refused to vaccinate her child?

It's never to late to get an abortion.

This joke may have profanity.

Why was the sterile Grizzly upset?

Because he couldn't Bear children.

Why can't children watch pirate movies?

Because they're rated

The Ultimate Dad Joke Book: 501 Hilarious Puns, Funny One Liners and Clean Cheesy Dad Jokes for Kids (Gifts for Dad)

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Why didn't Jesus have any children?

He only got nailed by guys )

How are children like cellphones?

If youve lost one and havent found it in a couple days, chances are its probably dead.

How does a black mother tell her children apart?

She remembers them by their last names.

What has 4 legs but cant move?

A child born in Chernobyl, duh.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with... And the other carries groceries.

What do you call the child of a magician and a potato?

A prestidigitator tot!

Why are foodfights forbidden in japanese schools?

The children always end up with lice in their hair.

What's worse than ten children in one bucket?

One child in ten buckets.

How do Chinese people know what to name their children?

After the last dog they just ate.

What's black, grey, and red all over?

A gorilla with a child in the enclosure.

The World's Greatest Dad Jokes: The Complete Collection (The Heirloom Edition): Over 500 Cringe-Worthy Puns and One-Liners

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Where would Helen Keller park her car?

On top of three children.

Why do you give children who swallowed poison some milk?

To make them happy before they die.

What do you call children born of ginger people?

Ginger-bred

How many children does it take to change a light bulb in America?

About 1 thousand Iraqis.

What will they name their child?

Donald Dump

What is another word for children who haven't learned how to do math?

yesallwomen

What do a good joke and a child with cancer have in common?

They never get old.

What did the U.S. airdrop to the children of Afghanistan?

Bombs

What do you call it when a Spanish man goes to court for custody of his children?

Fight for your right to padre

How do you stop Carlos Santana from molesting your children?

You put a guitar in his hands.

Exceptionally Bad Dad Jokes: So frightfully awful.. yet wonderfully spiffing

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What are the similarities between my work shirt and the children of Flint, MI?

They both were recently ironed.

What do you call a child afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic

What do you call the child of two redheads?

Ginger bread

What did the U.S airdrop the the children of Syria?

Dead parents

Where do children that die home alone go?

HEAVEN!!

Why did the pope have so many children?

Because his condom was a little holy...

This joke may have profanity.

What do you call children born into a whorehouse?

Your kids

Why doesn't Casper have any children?

He has a hollow-weiner.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies?

Disney movies can still touch children.

What will Kim Jong-Un name his child?

Kim Jong-Deux.

How does a Syrian family have a meal?

The men provide the food and the women do the cooking, leaving the children to wash up afterwards.

What does a child without arms get for x-mas?

gloves! nah don't know, it hasn't opened the present yet

What is the difference between black, morbid and brutal humor?

Black humor - 12 children in one trash can Morbid humor - 1 children in 12 trash cans Brutal humor - 12 trash cans in one children

How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children?

Backwards.

What did the Mexican fireman name his children?

Jose and Hose B

Why couldn't the clown make balloon animals for the children?

With inflation raising the cost he couldn't afford it.

What do you call a child who shoots with twigs at a PTSD victim?

TWIGERING

What's the difference between a school of children and a terrorist camp?

I don't know, I just fly the drone Edit/apology: My friend said this to me, I thought I should share with you all, he said that I could post it here. 5 minutes later he told me he found it on reddit.... I'm sorry all.

What did the child with no hands get for his birthday?

Nobody knows yet.

What was the last thing that went through the Sandy Hook child's mind?

A bullet. I apologize if that joke was aimed for a younger audience. I love Sandy Hook jokes, they never get old. Just like those children.

What do Disney movies and coathangers have in common?

They can both bring out the child from within.

Why couldn't the birthday clown make balloon animals for the children?

With the rising cost of inflation he couldn't afford it anymore.

How many Duggar does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw children, not light bulbs.

How many children did Josh Duggar molest?

19 kids and counting. Too soon? :/

Why are Democrats stupid enough to believe in climate change?

Because they were vaccinated as children.

What kind of milk do the wealthiest people in the world give to their children?

Who leaves money under the pillows of children with LGBT parents ?

Surely you will have guessed - the brooth fairy.

Why were the children jumping for Joy?

Because Joy was stuck on the roof.

What kind of punch hurts children the most?

A sandy hook.

How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?

Let's go ride our bikes!

What's the difference between parents who don't vaccinate their children and ISIS?

One is a group made up of radicals with extremist views. And the other group is ISIS.

Why couldn't the lizard have any children?

It had a reptile dysfunction!

Why didn't the ghost have any children?

Because he had a Halloweenie!

What do children in north korea study for a science?

Kimistry

What makes a grown man cry?

Watching his wife and children die before his eyes.

What do you call a child who doesn't believe in Santa?

An eggnogstic

What's the worst thing you can do in the name of cupidity?

Going to Thailand with your own children

What bounces and makes kids cry?

The cheque I just sent to Save the Children.

Why could Frankenstein's Monster not have children?

Because his nuts were in his neck!

Why did the children cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

What did the ant whisper into the elephant's ear that made the elephant faint?

I'm going to be the mother of your children." I have no idea whether the joke is lost in translation...

Why do Physicists make terrible parents?

They think their children are small enough to neglect! Adapted from a Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, I forget which one.

What did one Buddhist Master give to the child for his birthday?

Nothing wrapped in Emptiness. How did the birthday child respond? You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift. To which the Buddhist Master replied, "Thank you."

Why parents don't allow their children to listen to M. Jackson songs?

because they are very touching

What do you call a bus driver who helps old people and parents with children on and off the bus?

A stand up driver.

What's the difference between your child and your husband?

At least you can leave your child alone with the babysit

How many children with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna go swimming?

Why are Catholics the worst drivers?

They always pull out at the last second (usually to avoid a child).

What grows when you squeeze it, explodes if you rub it too hard, and children love it?

A balloon animal!

What do you call the child of two parents with downs syndrome?

A hand-me-down.

What bounces and makes little children cry?

My donation check to Feed the Children!

What do you call innocent women and children dying in the middle east?

Freedom

Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 20 years?

Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 20 years? Michael Jackson

How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night?

Take away their beds...

What are children generally better at then adults?

Giving the pope an errection

What did the Mexican Firefighter name his two children?

Jose and Hose B

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence

What did the child with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.

What happened to Mr. Chin after all 10 of his children disappeared?

He developed a ten Chin deficit disorder.

How do you stop your children from smoking?

Slow down and use some lubricant.

Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone?

She thought children should be seen and not herded!

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?

The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

Why did he do that?

Who is she What does that mean When did that happen Why How I need to go to the toilet. - Child, at the cinema

What do you get when a Mexican and Muslim have a child?

A kid who loves halalpenos

What's your emergency Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD! Possum 911: You sure they aren't just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

What would Kim Jong Un call his children?

His young'uns

Where is children?

Latvian man respond "Children is dead from childbirth." Bus leave.

What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing That's very common. ...about my boyfriend.

What does a child with stickers have in common with a cocaine addicted DJ?

They both love to scratch and sniff. (sorry if it's a repost I'm not here often)

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Estimate Jokes More Estimate Jokes

What goes faster from 100 to 0, an asteroid hitting the Earth or this thread's upvote %?

Berni Sanders seems to have been like a bad gift: it's the thought that counts. 80% voted against him in SC, he will be destroyed tomorrow, and estimates show he won't even get half of the delegates Hillary will. Furthermore, even if he were to magically win, the House, Senate and Supreme Court would block his most drastic ideas, making it them simply "food for thought" but not actual thoughts for implementation. Thank you very much.

Why do Asian people never seem to age?

I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.

Birthday Jokes More Birthday Jokes

What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?

I don't know but you'd better hope he likes it!

What did Patrick Stewart say when he was given a tortoise for his birthday?

Please, take it back. I don't like getting attached to animals. Especially when they only live 100 years.

Pdf File Jokes More Pdf File Jokes

Which Jedi can save PDF files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

What program do Jedi use to PDF files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

Husband Jokes More Husband Jokes

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a supermodel?

Nothing if her husband knows what's good for him!

What gift do you want?

HUSBAND: "An English girl." After a month, wife returns.. HUSBAND: "Where is my gift " WIFE: "Wait for nine months!"

Half Jokes More Half Jokes

Why's the necrophiliac's blow up doll half inflated?

So he can pretend she's decomposing.

What does a half-dressed Sikh wear on his head?

A subturban!

Live Jokes More Live Jokes

What does Kevin 11 have that Peter Parker doesn't?

A living Ben and Gwen.

What's the best thing about living with alzheimer's?

You get to meet new people everyday.

Carry Jokes More Carry Jokes

Why does Axl Rose love to carry around The Scarlet Letter?

Because every Rose has its Hawthorne

Why should a good driver always carry weed in his car?

So he always hits the green when he's driving.

Respond Jokes More Respond Jokes

What can happen when a car breaks down?

A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

Why do think that?

The boy responds "Because he closes his eyes when he kisses me."