Help Jokes

What do you call the international program that helps clowns with their personal space problems?

Clowns Without Borders.

The Big Book of Silly Jokes for Kids

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How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser's floating fortress?

Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

Why did the dyslexic escapologist join the International Socialists?

A. because he wanted to help untie the human race.

Why couldn't anyone help the tortilla?

He didn't want to taco 'bout it

What is the deadliest bear?

Seriously... I don't know the punchline to this, help me out.

Why did the Islamic woman die when she fell into the ocean?

She thought to yell for help, but her husband was nowhere around to grant her permission to do so.

What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl?

I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!

How many idiots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Trick question. Idiots can't screw in lightbulbs regardless of help from other idiots.

What'd you do?

PERSON: Ran a half-marathon and helped my pal move. You ME: I talked to like 4 people.

Which former pop star would be most likely to help deliver a baby?

Paula Ab-doula

What's red like a strawberry, hard like beef jerky, smells like vinegar, and is found under your bed?

Me neither. Help.

Dock Tok Presents…The Good, the Dad, and the Punny: Jokes from the Water’s Edge

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What's your answer?

whispers into microphone* Please help me, I don't even know these people

What's the difference between a Thai man and a Thai woman?

Pls help.

How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?

BART: I don't know where my hair starts

How do you know it was an Irishman?

because I had to help him....."

Why does the Coast Guard have ultraviolet lights?

To help them find missing sea men.

Why did the TSA hire a dentist?

to help with the cavity searches

What do you call a cowboy who helps out in a school ?

The deputy head !

How do you get a dozen eggs out of a washing machine in less than a minute?

i'm serious... help.

When someone asks, "How are you?

I say, "5-7-8-3" because they don't care how I am & saying my ATM Code out loud helps me memorize it.

What's the difference between a good friend and a really good friend?

A good friend will help you move house A really good friend will help you move a body!

Exceptionally Bad Dad Jokes: So frightfully awful.. yet wonderfully spiffing

Paperback

What helps humans get laid but is deadly for fish?

Pick up lines

Why didn't Cathy keep the extra dollar of change at Chick-fil-a?

Because Cathy can't help being Truett-ful

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

Just two. One to politely ask and the other to politely help.

How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

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Want Jokes More Want Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the "net" ?

It wanted to get to the other site !

Who wants two tickets to the gun show?

I bought the Groupon but can't make it :(

Good Friend Jokes More Good Friend Jokes

What did the boy say when his dog died?

What did the boy say when his dog died? I'm gonna miss you buddy, you were my best friend.

Why should a man never bang his best friend?

He'll probably catch fleas

Student Jokes More Student Jokes

Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?

Student: "So we know when to start Christmas shopping!"

What's the difference between white socks and red socks?

Students will most likely answer the color) Then you say, "yes, that's one difference but there's another: The White Sox play in Chicago and the Red Sox play in Boston!

Dollar Jokes More Dollar Jokes

How can you be sure you have counterfeit money?

If it's a three-dollar bill you can be sure.

How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?

Are you kidding They won't even change a five dollar bill."

Somebody Jokes More Somebody Jokes

Why did the man break up with his girlfriend who had a lazy eye?

Because she was seeing somebody on the side.

What do you say when somebody cuts in front of you in line for Vietnamese noodles?

Hey, pho queue, dude

Little Boy Jokes More Little Boy Jokes

What did the little boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves. Just kidding, he hasn't opened them yet.

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?

He got hit by a bus

Letter Jokes More Letter Jokes

How do you fit 50 elephants into a subway station?

You take the letter "f" out of the word "way" (there's no f in way) *joke works best when the person being asked the question has to think about it for some time and says the phrase themselves without realizing what they said

Why did the young witch have such difficulty writing letters?

She had never learned to spell properly.

Rise Jokes More Rise Jokes

What do Australian emos use to cut their wrists?

Rise up lights

What's better than a rose on your piano?

Tulips on your organ EDIT: This blew up. (No pun intended)