Lie Jokes

Disclaimer: I don't know how well this joke will work in english. What's yellow and lies in a pond? An excevator. You don't think this is funny? Neither does the operator.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

What is Pink and lies on the doormat?

Whitney Houston's Valentines Day Cards

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, lying in a ditch?

Phil

Whats the V in DVD stand for?

Cuz if it were lying down it wouldnt make any sense. (first post to reddit, made up this joke today .. be kind)

Why do only 20 percent of blonde chicks lay Easter eggs?

The rest are hunting peckers.

Why do cows lie down in the rain?

To keep each udder dry.

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

How's your nutrition?

ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It's been worse.

What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court ?

Annette !

What is blue and lies by the seabed?

Probably not a planned child.

Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air ?

Because eggs were going up !

What's yellow has wheels and lies on its back?

A dead school bus!

Which side is it best to lie on?

she asked. "The side that pays your fee" replied the doctor.

How can you tell a black person is lying?

His lips are moving.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying under a pile of leaves?

Russel.

Who's there ! Attila ! Attila who ?

Attila you no lies !

How was it possible that the three bears had porridge all at different temperatures?

Someone is lying.

Why are pilots so honest?

Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. "We're delayed because we're winning a safety award."

Why don't black people lay in the sun?

because it's 92.96 million miles away.

How does an attorney go to sleep?

First he lies on one side, then the other!!

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

Other lawyers look interested.

What do lawyers do after they die?

They lie still.

How do you know a Muslim is lying?

their lips are moving

Why does the Hound of the Baskervilles turn round and round before he lies down for the night?

Because he's the watchdog and he has to wind himself up.

How can you tell when a salesperson is lying?

His lips are moving.

How do you get a ghost to lie perfectly flat?

You use a spirit level.

What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a "world's best dad" mug. 4: You told me not to lie.

Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf?

Because it's too much like work what with all of the lying involved.

What's the difference between a car salesman and a technology salesman?

The car salesman knows he is lying.

What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein's monster?

HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.

Why was Cinderella kicked out of Walt Disney World?

Because she sat on Pinocchio's face and told him to start telling lies.

Why are YOU afraid?

Doc: I'm not Me: You said you were Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW

Why would a dead girl lie?

Because she can't stand up.

What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time. Me: 3-year-old: I need to lie down.

Why did all the other toys throw RaggedyAnn out of the toy box?

She kept on sitting on Pinocchio's face yelling "Lie to me, lie to me!"

Why did Raggedy Anne get kicked out of the toybox?

She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming "Lie to me! Lie to me!!!"

What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?

A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed?

Because he is lying.

What's green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?

A girl scout that got hit by a car.

Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?

She wanted to get a dark tan.

Why so long face?

Latvian say, "I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby."

Why do programmers drink coffee so much?

So they aren't lying when they say they like Java.

What lies on its back 100 feet in the air?

A centipede

What kind of cats lay around the house?

A: Car-pets!

What do you call a flexible Rastafarian who lies a lot?

Cinnamon twist

What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

What did Cinderella say when she sat on Pinocchio's face?

Tell me a lie. Tell me the truth. Tell me a lie. Tell me the truth. Tell me a lie...

Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down?

One good turn deserves another.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

Why is everything lying on the floor?

my mom asked Gravity, I replied.

What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells?

A dead centipede.

Who's there ! Al ! Al who ?

Al lied !

You might also enjoy:

Raggedy Anne Jokes More Raggedy Anne Jokes

Lie Jokes

Why can't Caitlyn Jenner lie to her kids?

What do you call the birth of a lie?

What do you call a deceptive feline?

What do you call it when someone from Belarus lies to you?

Where do socialist birds lay their eggs?

Why should you never trust someone straight after coitus?

Why was the bicycle lying on the side of the road?

How are strippers and Subway workers similar?

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, insomniac and a dyslexic?

What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?

What's Blue, Orange and Lying at the Bottom of a Swimming Pool?

What do you get when you mix a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

What do you call a ford on top of a hill?

What lies upside down a hundred feet in the air?

What signal tells you that a politician is lying?

What lies on it's back a hundred feet in the air?

Why are women such bad drivers?

How do you know a presidential candidate is lying?

How can you tell when a politician is lying?

Who is the most successful liar in the world?

What do Volkswagen and a boy going through puberty have in common?

What did Anakin Skywalker cry out as he lay dying and on fire?

How does a lawyer sleep?

Why are girls so hot?

How do you know when a politician is lying?

What do you call lying furniture?

What's his name?

What's green and has four wheels?

What happens to lawyers after they die?

Why did raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?

What's the difference between a cat and a politician?

Why did Bibi Netanyahu lie on a couch licking his balls?

Why are liars so lazy?

Who is the most trustworthy lover?

Why did they kick Raggedy Anne out of the toybox?

How do black people get tans at the beach?

Why are women bad at parking?

What lies in a pram and wobbles?

What is every young ladys ultimate Disney fantasy?

What is the most beautiful thing in the world?

What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night?

Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer?

Why do dinosaurs use Christian dating sites?

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

How can you tell when Mitt Romney is lying?

What's yellow and lies in a pond?

What came first?

What is Pink and lies on the doormat?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, lying in a ditch?

Whats the V in DVD stand for?

Why do only 20 percent of blonde chicks lay Easter eggs?

Why do cows lie down in the rain?

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

Why are women so bad at parking?

How's your nutrition?

What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court ?

What is blue and lies by the seabed?

Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?

Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air ?

What's yellow has wheels and lies on its back?

Which side is it best to lie on?

How can you tell a black person is lying?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying under a pile of leaves?

Who's there ! Attila ! Attila who ?

How was it possible that the three bears had porridge all at different temperatures?

Why are pilots so honest?

Why don't black people lay in the sun?

How does an attorney go to sleep?

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

What do lawyers do after they die?

How do you know a Muslim is lying?

Why does the Hound of the Baskervilles turn round and round before he lies down for the night?

How can you tell when a salesperson is lying?

How do you get a ghost to lie perfectly flat?

What do you want for your birthday?

Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf?

What's the difference between a car salesman and a technology salesman?

What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein's monster?

Why was Cinderella kicked out of Walt Disney World?