Matter Jokes

How do you find a dirty cop?

Call 911, it doesn't matter who answers

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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't coming.

Why did Black Lives Matter arrange a protest on Coruscant?

because Mace Windu nuffin

What's the difference between a sandwich and a baby?

Doesn't matter, they both taste the same.

What do you call a deaf dog?

It doesn't matter, it can't hear you anyway.

What is very big, gray, and just doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

What do you name a deaf dog?

It doesn't matter, he ain't coming anyways.

What kind of operating system do horses use?

None. Horses are not known to use operating systems nor computers for that matter.

How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Does it even matter? We're all screwed anyway, man."

Why is there so much segregation today?

All Fridays Matter

How many ants does it take to rent a house?

Doesn't matter, ants can't rent a house

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Why does government matter?

It doesn't.

What did the nihilist say to the physicist?

Nevermind, it doesn't really matter.

How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.

What happens when something travels faster than the speed of light?

Does it matter?

What do you call a baby born at 4 months gestation?

Doesn't matter, still born.

How many dank memes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter, just use the jet fuel instead.

How many femenists does it *really* take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter how many femenists try, they can't change anything. Alternatively, they just hold it up and wait for the world to revolve around them.

Why can't you trust anything MATTER says?

Because it makes up everything.

What's the difference between matter and a hormone?

You can't make matter.

Why did Bill Nye crash his car?

Because inertia is a property of matter.

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How many Jon Snows does it take to change a light bulb?

It wouldn't matter. Jon Snow knows nothing.

How many WoW devs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Doesn't matter. They'll just nerf darkness next patch instead.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

What would happen if Russia ran out of vodka?

Well, my dear reddit, in nature there is law of conservation of matter. Therefore, if the vodka disappeared somewhere, it would appear somewhere else. And then there would be Russia.

What's the best thing about picking up a homeless chick?

It doesn't matter where you drop them off.

How many members of Linkin Park does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, cuz in the end it doesn't even matter!!!

What's better: A Parachute Jump or a BJ of a 90 year old?

doesn't matter... must not look down..

Why is Bon Jovi's bed always messy?

Because he thinks it doesn't matter if you make it or not

How many PETA member does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesnt matter. PETA cant chqnge anything!

Why was the electron mad?

Well, it doesn't really matter...

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Why isn't energy made of atoms?

It doesn't matter (go ahead and down vote :P)

How many feminists does it take to screw in lightbulb?

It doesn't matter how many you get, because all they'll do is sit around complaining about how misogynistic the use of the word "screw" is.

How many Environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they will never change a thing.

What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?

Me: Doesn't matter, just get out.

What did one John say to the other John?

What's the matter You look flushed!"

How man nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn't matter.

What's the matter?

I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer " "No, dyslexia."

How many Serbs does in take to change a Lighbulb?

It doesn't matter..Theres a Blackout!

How many Egalitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Doesn't matter, they'll just screw it one rotation one way and one rotation the other way and call it equality.

What do the Police, the NFL and Black Lives Matter all have in common?

They all have the same PR guy.

What did a chemist say to a deaf guy?

Does it matter

How many jail guards does it take to change a light bulb?

Why does it matter Everyone knows the prison system can't change anything.

Where do you go to meet the best fish?

It doesn't matter - any old plaice will do.

What are the four most common types of states of matter?

Solid, gas, liquid and Black Lives.

Why does no one care that space is a vacuum?

Oh it doesn't really matter.

Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn't matter. You will have fired me well before then.

What's a necrophiliacs favorite drink?

Doesn't matter, so long as it's stiff.

What's the difference between a bird, and a bird with only one wing?

It's a matter of a pinion(http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pinion).

What kind of speech did the farmer give his cornfield?

It didn't matter, they were all ears

What do David Carradine and the Mets have in common?

They both choke when it really matters.

Why do we use whiteboards instead of blackboards?

Because black boards matter.

What did the guy who got fired for always being late say?

It was just a matter of time.

Why did the nihilist cross the road?

It doesn't matter.

How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

What's large, grey and doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

What happens if I put a vial in another vial and then in another vial?

It doesn't matter.

What do you call a dog that can't hear?

Doesn't matter much, does it

What's the matter with me?

That's easy," he said. "You're exhausted."

What did the astrophysicist say to the quark?

You matter.

Whatever's the matter ?

asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'

How many cynics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter. Lightbulb is going to die anyway.

Which end of a bus is it best to get off?

It doesn't matter. Both ends stop.

Why do strippers look better in the club than outside the club?

Black lights matter.

What's the matter with him?

Nothing. He's a positron."

What is the creepiest letter of the alphabet?

V. Because no matter where you are, any time of any day, no matter what you do, V always follows U.

How is a speech impediment like a box of chocolates?

It doesn't really matter, as long as it has good cocoa content.

What did one Redditer say to another?

Doesn't matter, the real joke is in the comments.

Why are they using two ply toilet paper in Russia?

Because authorities want a carbon copy of all matters.

How many states of matter are there?

5: solids, liquids, gases, plasma, and black lives

What do you call it when a hedge fund manager loses his job to a Watson inspired AI built by IBM?

It doesn't matter. We'll all be laughing too hard to care.

How many women are necessary to change a lightbulb?

One... but, what does it matter if she will ask a man to do it !

What do you give a kid with no hands for Christmas?

Doesnt matter, he'll never unwrap the gift

What does a guy want more than anything in the world?

It doesn't matter. He has to ask his wife first.

Where do I lose my Arab friends?

I don't have any Arab friends, so it doesn't matter.

How do you pronounce "nihilism?

It doesn't matter

What should I wear?

Mr. Salad asks. She replies, "It doesn't matter to me, just be well dressed."

How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: Credits to Drougen for making it better.

How many assholes does it take to change a lightbulb?

It doesn't matter, mine itches so bad it's on fire, providing plenty of light for everyone in the room!

How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant.

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911 Jokes More 911 Jokes

Why did 0.81 recurring die?

Because he was 9/11.

Who's rhere?

9/11. 9/11 Who You said you would never forget.

Leg Jokes More Leg Jokes

What's white and crawls up your leg?

Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice

Why could Jimmy not drive a tractor?

Because he had no arms or legs. Why Because he is a potato.

Protest Jokes More Protest Jokes

What'd Gandhi say when his friend told him to leave the protest?

Na 'ma ste

What was the bear protesting?

his right to human arms

V Jokes More V Jokes

Why were the Star Wars made IV, V, VI, I, II, III?

Because in charge of distribution, Yoda was.

When you see geese flying to warmer a climate ever wonder why one side of the V is longer?

It's because that side has more geese.

Hormone Jokes More Hormone Jokes

What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't here a vitamin.

What's the difference between matter and a hormone?

You can't make matter.

Change Jokes More Change Jokes

How many atheist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It will happen itself.

How many Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the changes necessary will come from within.

Come Jokes More Come Jokes

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air ?

A seahorse !

What came first?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Laugh Matter Jokes More Laugh Matter Jokes

Why are atoms so serious?

Because they're no laughing matter.

Why can't Californians stop at stop signs?

I don't know and this is not a laughing matter.