Push Jokes

Poop: Please don't push. It's already tight in here! Poop to Pee: May I go first? Meanwhile, Fart pushing everyone to the sides.. Fart: Excuse me! Excuse me! I need to go!

Why are most Hotwheel cars Ford?

So people can grow up getting used to pushing a Ford.

Why do push up bras not work for some girls?

Because 0x0 is always 0.

What's the difference between a hipster and a fire hose?

It takes more than one hipster to push the black people out of a neighborhood.

How do you make an egg roll?

You push it

How do you stop a mexican tank?

You shoot the guy pushing it.

What is more funny than a penguin sliding down a hill?

The penguin who pushed him!

What do you get if you push a piano out of a plane over a military base?

A flat major

How many retards does it take to push a bus?

Just one. They're retardedily strong.

What do you get if you push a piano down a mine?

A flat miner

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Why did Sally fall down the hill?

I pushed her.

Why did the Scot screw the sheep on the edge of a cliff?

So it would push back.

What do you get when you push a cow out of a plane?

Ground beef

How do you make a Swiss Roll?

Push him down a hill. BONUS: How do you make French Wine? Invade.

How do you stop a Polish battletank?

Shoot the guy pushing it.

How do you make a tuna roll?

Push it down a hill.

What did the proctologist ask the restaurant goer?

Can I push your stool in?

What do you call someone who pushes people down stairs?

A stairorist.

How do you stop an Armenian tank?

You shoot the guys pushing it.

Why are you pushing garlic into the computer's disk drive?

Pupil: To keep vampires off the Internet Teacher: But there aren't any vampires on the Internet Pupil: See It works doesn't it

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How many South Dakotans does it take to go ice fishing?

Four. One to cut the hole in the ice and three to push the boat through.

How do you stop a Polish tank?

Shoot the guy that's pushing it

Why do Scotsmen screw their sheep by the side of a cliff?

Because they push back harder.

What's the best way to make an egg roll?

You push it! I deserve salmonella for even posting this...

What are you doing today?

2: 'Well, I think I can really push my limits' 1: 'Oh right, are you sure ' 2: 'I'm definite'.

Why are you always pushing me around and talking behind my back?

I said, "well, you are in a wheelchair".

What'll ya have?

Cat: Shot of rum. Bartender pours it Cat slowly pushes it off the bar Cat: Another.

What do you get when you push a piano out of the second floor window of an elementary school?

A flat minor.

What do slinkies and the handicapped have in common?

They are the most fun when pushed down a flight of stairs.

What was the internet like in the old days?

Me: *opens door* *pushes 16 outside* *locks door*

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?

A Penguin rolling down a hill What's black and white and laughing The penguin who pushed him

What do you get when you push a piano down a mining shaft?

A flat minor.

How do you manage that?

I think it was when I tried to push it through the letterbox.

Which is the quickest way to reach the hospital?

Bernard pushed him under a truck...

Why does pushing my finger against a bottle of Pepsi make me sad?

Because it's soda pressing.

Why is flatulence more satisfying after a long struggle to push it out?

Because you know you made a real ef-**fart**

Why was the tumblrina mad at the gamer?

He was pushing the right trigger.

Why did Suzie fall down the stairs?

I pushed her

What do you get if you push a gypsy off a bike?

Your bike back

Who was that at the door?

Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy. Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off. "

Who pushed the neonate out an endometrium?

Your mom.

Where is the best place to screw a Mt. Goat?

The edge of a cliff, you are guaranteed she will push back!

How many IBM CPUs does it take to perform a logical right shift?

A: 32. One to hold the bits and 31 to push the register.

How do you stop an Albanian tank?

You shoot the guy pushing it.

How do you stop an Ethiopian tank with a gun?

Shoot the people pushing it.

Whenever a waiter asks, "Do you want to hear about our specials?

push the menu aside and softly whisper, "I want to hear about you."

Why do the Lannisters have such a big bed?

They pushed two twins together and made a king.

How do you stop a French tank?

A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it!

How do you make an eggroll?

You push it.

What did the husband say to his wife when he tried pushing it in as much as he could, but it still wouldn't fit?

He said "I'm going to try on a different shoe size."

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it's half empty.

How do you make an apple turnover?

Push it down hill.

Why do Lannisters have such big beds?

GoT because they push twins together to make a king.

Why can't t-rexs do push ups?

Because they have been extinct for 65 million years.

What does a push up bra and a dictatorship have in common?

They both oppress those on the inside. They both lie to those on the outside. And they both raise monuments to the fallen.

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Black Person Jokes More Black Person Jokes

What's the difference between a black person and a bench?

One can support a family

What do a black person and a bike have in common?

they both don't work without a chain.

Demon Jokes More Demon Jokes

How do you exorcise a demon?

Make him run a lap then do 10 push-ups and sit-ups

Why do demons love apostrophes?

They show possession.

Advantage Jokes More Advantage Jokes

What is the advantage that Mexican workers have over everyone else?

Their "Senor"ity!

What's the advantage of being black in Africa vs black in America?

Nobody can point at your shoes and say "What are thoooooooooose?!"

Stop Jokes More Stop Jokes

Why did you stop your car get out and yell "coward" at the traffic signal?

Motorist: The light just turned yellow.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away its USB cable.

Wife Jokes More Wife Jokes

Why is a good husband like bread dough?

Because his wife needs him.

Why did Lot leave his wife?

She became salty.

Tequila Jokes More Tequila Jokes

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I'm looking at you.

What do you get when you mix up literature and alcohol?

Tequila mockingbird Or Ernest Hemingway

Fart Jokes More Fart Jokes

What was the question?

Son: "Who's farted"

Why can't you fart in an apple car?

It doesn't have windows.

Lap Jokes More Lap Jokes

Why do athletes prefer nuns to time their laps?

Because when a nun times anything it's zero. (0*n=0) :D

What did the sea-world trainer's friend say to him after he spilled water on his friends lap?

You did that on porpoise