Kid Jokes

Why can't Caitlyn Jenner lie to her kids?

She's a transparent.

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How do they pick kids for the Make-A-Wish Foundation?

Natural selection.

Why do men carry condoms instead of women?

Because by the time women found a condom in their purses, kid would be 3 years old

This joke may have profanity.

What do you call a kid who tells bad jokes?

A redditor

What's the difference between Joe Paterno and Harambe?

Harambe tried to save the kids.

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves. Just kidding he couldn't open it to find out

What do you get when you give your kids participation trophies?

The electoral college in 2016.

Where do English prime-ministers take their kids on vacation?

Lourdes. Mother Theresa always goes there.

How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

What's the main thing a woman needs to think about when considering a potential boyfriend?

Is this the man I want my kids to spend every second weekend with?

What's your Mom's name?

Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time.... Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then? Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....

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Why did the kids not receive presents for Christmas?

Because Rudolph intentionally grounded the team...

Where does the pirate shop for his kid for Christmas?

Toys Arrrrrrrrrrr Us

Why Do Kids In High school Take Art?

You don't have to pay for the glue to sniff...

What has 5 legs and a big grin?

Pit-bull in kids sandpit

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

Why do people keep a picture of their wife and kids in their wallet?

To remind them why there's no money in it

Whats the difference between a goat and a kid?

I stopped butchering goats.

What did Michael Phelps say after the Mens 200m?

I would've gotten second if it weren't for you medaling kids.

What do you tell a kid with two black eyes?

Nothing. You already told him twice.

Why couldn't a kid watch a pirate movie?

Because it was rated R.

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Whats the difference between a Christian and a Muslim?

One blows up kids, the other gets blown by them.

What do Catholic priests and the Zika Virus have in common?

They both give kids a little head.

Why did the toy company stop donating toys to kids in Africa?

Because it's pretty depressing to have a Tamagotchi that'll out-live you.

How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

What did Helen Keller say after she finished her bowl of cereal for breakfast?

I may be blind, but I can see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

What's the difference between a kid and a joke?

A kid can joke but a joke cannot kid.

Why do kids with down syndrome wear shorts?

Because they have bad genes.

What did one kid at the playground say to the other kid?

Hello from the other slIIIIiiiIIIIide

What do you throw a drowning aboriginal?

His wife and kids

How a husband describe his wife?

Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

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What do you throw a drowning Mexican?

His wife and kids.

Why did the kid cross the road?

to go to a better place.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?

Names!

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Lets go play on our bikes.

How do you tell if your eggs are rotten?

If your kid has down syndrome.

What do you call a kid with an eye patch, braces and a lisp?

Names

Why did the kid run across the freeway?

To show his friends he had guts. And boy, did he have guts.

How do the Chinese name their kids?

They throw silverware down the stairs.

How do you starve a neurosurgeon?

Hide his paycheck with his kids.

What's black and white and unemployed?

Just kidding about the white part.

What's the Priest favorite breakfast?

Kids.

What's the best part of having a kid?

The chewy center.

Where do you find a kid with no legs?

Right where you left him

Where did the kid with adhd go?

Aushwitz

What does having kids bring you that money simply can't buy?

Poverty

Why do I love putting down kids without parents?

Cause endorphins make me feel good.

How do Chinese name their kids?

They throw silverware on the ground!

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his kids?

Because he's black.

What type of punch hurts kids the most?

A sandy hook

What does Michael Jackson do when he gets kids to the top of the Empire State building?

Tosses them off.

Why do skeletons have so many kids?

Because all they can do is bone.

Where can you always find kids by themselves?

edit: i forgot to say please.

What did the kid ask the Pirate?

Kid asks, "Where are your buccaneers?" Pirate replies, "They're under my Buccan Hat!"

What kid blows you and gets you all wet?

El Nio

What playground equipment do kids hate the most?

The slide into poverty.

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

What do you call a kid with no legs, no arms and an eyepatch?

Names.

Why don't people name their kids 'Napoleon'?

It's too complex

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ?

Disney Movies still touch kids

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Just kidding, he hasn't opened the box yet.

Where do kids with ADHD go?

To concentration camps.

What did the kid with cancer get for Christmas?

Nothing, he didn't make it that far.

What do you call children born into a whorehouse?

Your kids

What fun drink can put your kid to sleep?

Bleach

What do you get a kid without arms for Christmas?

Gloves, but he doesn't know that yet.. since he can't open it.

What do you call the kids claiming "We don't need no education"?

Comfortably Dumb

Howard was a kid with a paper route?

Probably not. Opie delivered.

What kind of medicine do you give a kid having a fit?

An anti-hissy-tamine.

What did the robot say to the gas pump?

Take your finger out of your ear and listen to me!" I saw this in a Highlights magazine when I was a kid.

Why didn't the white officer shoot the black guy?

Just kidding he did

Why did Ken and Barbie never have any kids?

Ken always came in a different box.

What do you call a seaside shanty for kids without parents?

A wharfanage

Why did Jared go to a Goat farm?

Why did Jared go to a Goat farm? He heard there was lots of Kids there.

How is my wife doing?

Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.

Why do priests have lots of kids?

They always use the holy condoms.

How does a lawyer name their kids?

Bill and Sue

What do kids yell at old people who are just trying to play?

GET OFF MY LAN!

Why did Subway take Jared so seriously?

It was obvious he was kidding.

Why was the violin coach arrested ?

He was fiddling with the kids. *

How do you know if you're a bogan?

You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table... in front of her kids.

Why doesn't Barbie have any kids?

Because Ken came in another box.

What did the kid with no arms and legs get for Christmas?

Cancer

Why is Grace never thirsty?

Because she's always drinking from the coup de Grace. (This was my sister's favourite joke when we were kids. Once our mum flipped out on a long car journey because she told it too many times).

Why does the German dad scare all the other kids?

Because he is ein Brtiger! The shirt should say it all. And I'm considering getting one.

How do Chinese people name their kids?

They throw silverware down a flight of stairs....ting, tong, ping, ding

What kid of music do old people listen to?

Hip-Pop

What did the kid say to his nanny when she stubbed her toe while trying to catch him?

Nana boo boo

What do the English and Welsh have in common?

Kids are their definition of a good time.

Why did the kid drop his ice cream?

Because the bus hit him.

Why does Jesus and bartenders have so much in common?

Bcoz they are single, have no kids, got nailed and serve alcoholic beverage.

What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs?

Names

How many kids does Adrian Peterson have?

More than you can shake a stick at

Why didn't Hannibal Lecter have any friends as a kid?

He was told not to play with his food.

What's the best part of having kids?

Making them.

Whats camp for kids with ADD called?

Concentration camp.

What do you call a kid that stands up to bullies?

An ambulance.

What did Tony the Tiger say to the kids playing baseball?

Theeeeeeeeey Never expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

What is a black guy's favorite game to play with the kids?

Peekaboo.

What bounces and makes kids cry?

The cheque I just sent to Save the Children.

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Hand Jokes More Hand Jokes

How can you help a starving cannibal?

Give them a hand !

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's arse?

A mechanic.

Mom Jokes More Mom Jokes

What do your mom and monkeys have in common?

Macaque

What did Sigmund Freud do for mother's day?

His mom.

Shoot Jokes More Shoot Jokes

What do you call a police officer that shoots black people?

A police officer in America.

Why did the policeman shoot the empty LED?

It was a black one.

12 Jokes More 12 Jokes

What do you call 12 enchiladas?

A footilada!

Why was 11 afraid of 12?

Because 12 13 14!

Staple Jokes More Staple Jokes

What's worse than a baby stapled to a tree?

A baby stapled to ten trees.

What's worse than ten babies stapled to a tree?

One baby stapled to ten trees

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a gnome and an elf?

Gnomenclature.

Whats the difference between skinny and squat?

I never took a skinny on a girl's chest.

Darling Jokes More Darling Jokes

Why don't kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

Santa Jokes More Santa Jokes

What's the difference between a Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops at 3 ho's

What's red and goes "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?

Santa walking backwards.