Monkey Jokes

What divides the humans from the monkeys?

The Mediterranean Sea

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Why did the man marry a monkey?

Because he wanted a PRIME-MATE! sorry ...sorry twice if this is an old joke

Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees. Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Shows you it works then. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? Monkeys picking cherries.

How many monkeys does it take to write a Shakespeare novel by accident?

As many as it takes submitters to write an original joke. (by accident)

Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was drunk Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was tied to the first one Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer Pressure

How do you open a banana safe?

With a monkey.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

What are there no black people in the Flinstones?

They were still monkeys

What is the monkey that can't peel the banana?

Terrible at CC

Why are monkeys pedantic?

Because they love nitpicking.

Why are blacks excited for 2016?

Because it is the year of the monkey.

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Why did the monkey fall of the tree?

Why did the second monkey fall off the tree? Why did the third monkey fall of the tree? Peer pressure.

What did the monkeys say when they saw the Northern Lights?

Ooooooh, aaaaaah...

Why was the monkey attracted to the paint?

Cuz it was yellow and appealing! Sorry if this is bad. Seen too many of the same jokes here and I wanted to add an original joke.

How long does it take a monkey to fly a plane from LA to New York?

About 6 hours.

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a monkey?

AIDS for humanity

What did the monkey say when he put his tail on the railroad tracks?

It's won't be long now!

What do you get when you mix a monkey and a midget?

Tom Cruise

What key opens a banana?

A monkey. What key opens a carrot? A donkey.

Why were there no black people in the Flintstones?

Because they were still considered monkeys.

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A BABOOM!

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What is a gentleman monkey?

A gentleman monkey is a monkey that won't monkey around with another monkey's monkey.

What do your mom and monkeys have in common?

Macaque

What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the revolving door?

It won't be long now...

How many monkeys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Monkeys screw in trees.

What's yellow and smells of bananas?

Monkey vomit

What do monkeys drink in space?

Orangu-Tang.

Why did the monkey put a bone in his mouth?

He wanted to smoke a joint!

What are you going to do for a face?

When the monkey wants its bum back? :D

What do you call a monkey in a suit?

Over-dressed!

What do monkeys sleep on?

Apricots. I used to love this joke when I was a little kid and told it over and over. I'm still a little in love with it for that reason. What are some of your favorite jokes from when you were a little kid?

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What kind of monkey can fly?

A hot air baboon!

How does a baboon make phone calls?

He just monkeys around on the line!

What's the difference between a sigh a car and a monkey?

A sigh is oh dear. A car is too dear. A monkey is you dear.

What key do you need to open a banana?

A monkey

What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?

Jungle Bells Jungle bells.. !

What did the Monkey say when his bath was too hot?

Ooh-Ooh-Aah- Aah

What are apricots?

Where monkeys sleep.

What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming?

Paul stop monkeying around!

How do you fix a monkey?

With a Monkey Wrench!

What do you call a monkey with a white bandanna tied to his tail?

A surrender monkey

What is one of the funniest simple joke you have ever heard?

Literally... made you die laughing e.g. Why did the monkey fall of the tree bc it died e.g. How do you keep an idiot in suspense

What did the Banana say to the Monkey?

Yo You peel me

What would u do if u won the lotto?

10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u. 11yo: I'd buy a monkey. Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.

Why did the sweet toothed scientist blow up his monkey?

He wanted some Rhesus pieces.

What do monkeys and humans have in common?

Catholic: Nothing............ nothing at all.

How can you open a banana?

With a monkey!

What's the difference between an old-time organ grinder and a heroin addict?

One has a monkey on a leash and the other has a monkey on his back.

What do you call a monkey holding a stick of dynamite?

A Baboom!

Why did the monkey cross the road?

To loot the pharmacy on the other side

What do you call a monk that operates a door unlocking service?

A monkey. (p.s. I have a wonderful, terrible love for bad jokes)

How do monkeys go down the stairs?

They slide down the banana-ster! :D

What do you call a monkey named James that's afraid of everything?

Jim-pansy

Where do monkeys hang out?

At the monkey bars.

What do you get when you cross dessert with a monkey?

A Meringueutan

What do you call a cross between a gorilla and a monkey?

A cross.

What do you get when you put human DNA in a monkey?

A lifetime ban from the Zoo

How'd the monkey fall out of the tree. He was dead. How'd the next second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was stapled to the first monkey! How'd the Third monkey fall out of the tree. Peer Pressure.

Whats the similarity between Monkey in the Middle and Football?

Both of the groups that are concered about the health of someone playing both begin with the letter P.

What do you do if you fiend King Kong in the kitchen?

Just don't monkey with him.

What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits?

Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

Why don't monkeys gamble in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs.

What did the police officer say to the zoo keeper?

Yeah I get it, I shoot monkeys on sight too.

What's the difference between a black person and a monkey?

Nothing

Why wasnt there any blacks in the flintstones?

Because they were still monkeys.

What did the monkey say when he was on a winning streak?

I've banana roll lately.

Why weren't there any black guys in the flintstones?

Because they were still monkeys.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooooom!

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What do you call the feeling of being unable to urinate beside a friend?

PEEr pressure!

Why did the monkey fall of the tree?

Why did the second monkey fall off the tree? Why did the third monkey fall of the tree? Peer pressure.

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Why did the monkey fall of the tree?

Why did the second monkey fall off the tree? Why did the third monkey fall of the tree? Peer pressure.

Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?

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What do you get when you cross.... .... the DNA of a human with the DNA of a goat?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

What is it that separates humans from animals?

The Mediterranean Sea

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What did the testicle say to the other testicle?

Between you and me, I think something's up." I'm slightly tipsy, this is probably a terrible joke. Merry Christmas!

What is the difference between ovaries and testicles?

There is a vas diference

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What do you call a woman with a very round head?

Sophia. (sphere) it works best spoken

How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about .2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together.

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What do cutters and heroin addicts have in common?

Long sleeves.

What's the difference between an old-time organ grinder and a heroin addict?

One has a monkey on a leash and the other has a monkey on his back.

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What is the best way to pick up American girls?

With a crane.

What did the muslim telemarketer say when he picked up the phone?

Halal?

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What did the blonde do when she discovered that most accidents happen within a mile from home?

She moved.

How is my wife doing?

Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.