Pig Jokes

What do you call it when you play tug-of-war with a pig?

Pulled pork.

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What do you call a pig on the Beach?

Bay-Con

What do you call a pig with three eyes ?

Piiig

Why did the pig go into the kitchen?

Because he felt like BACON!

What do you call a pig sitting on a hog?

Usually they prefer to be called "officer"

What do you call a pig that's a lumber jack?

Well you call him porkchop

What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree?

a porcupine

What's a pigs favorite morning tv show ?

Morning Ham

What type of gun is used by a pig that is good with the ladies?

A smoothbore.

What's Pink and Hard???

A Pig with a Flip Knife.

What's the difference between a pig and a ham sandwich?

You can get a prosecutor to indict the ham sandwich.

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What do you end up with when your pig smokes pot?

Baked ham.

What animal do you get when shake a pig?

a ham-stir

Why aren't pigs invited to black tie events?

Haven't you ever seen pig's tie? It's filthy!

What language do pigs speak?

Depends on which country they're from.

What are pigskins used for?

Holding the pig together.

What's the strongest muscle on a pig?

The hamstring.

What do you call a pig that does karate?

Pork Chop!

Why did the pig quit running the the marathon?

He had a problem with his hamstring.

What does a pig put on it's nose for a sunburn?

Oinkment!

Why do pigs run from medicine?

They hate getting cured.

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What does a pig write with?

A pig pen!

What did the pig say when his wife left him?

Don't go bacon my heart"

What happened when pigs started flying?

Everyone got swine flu

What do you call a pig behind a car wheel?

A ham brake !

What would you call it if pigs were flying yesterday?

Swine flu

What did the farmer's daughter say when she lost her virginity?

Get off me dad you're crushing my smokes! Or "That'll do pig, that'll do." I have heard it both ways.

What did the pig say on a hot summer day?

I'm bacon!

Why did the pig walk into the kitchen?

Because he felt like bacon. :P

What's the difference between a fox and a pig?

About six drinks

Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?

He was a boar.

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What do you call a pig with no legs?

A groundhog

What happened when the pig ran into his ex?

there was a porkward silence

Why did the farmer name his pig Ink?

Because he kept running out of the pen.

What do you call a pig that votes?

Polled pork.

What do you call a pig that losses its voice?

Disgruntled

What do you call a pig making cookies?

Bakin'!

What was the pig doing in the kitchen?

Bacon! Get it?

How did the pig get to the hospital?

in a hambulance.

Why can't you take a pig out on a date?

Because she will squeal on you.

Why couldn't the pig run?

He pulled his hamstring!

What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree...?

A Porky-Pine

Why was the pig happy when reviewers criticized his story?

Because they called it garbage.

Why do pigs have flat snouts?

From running in to trees.

What are the pigs warned to look out for in New York?

Pigpockets.

What does a pig put on his cut?

Oinkment

What do pigs do on nice afternoons?

They go on pignics.

How does one turn a fox into a pig?

Marry her.

What do you call a group of pigs?

A precinct.

What do you call a pig... ...with an unusually high IQ?

Einswine

How do pigs talk?

Swine language

Why are pigs such early risers?

Did you ever try to shut off a rooster

How can you tell the pig is a failure as Easter bunny?

By the egg on its face.

What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig ?

A teddy boar !

What's that Sarge?

Someone's building a pig."

What song do pigs sing on New Year's Eve?

Auld Lang Swine.

What did one pig say to the other?

Let's be pen pals!

What do you call an oversize motorcycle for pigs?

A hog hog.

What should you say to a pig on roller skates?

Don't say anything. Just get out of the way.

What's the exchange rate for pigs and trees?

A porcupine.

What kind of court order would be placed on a pig in order to prevent it from taking a specific course of action?

A: An inj-oink-tion.

Why isn't there a Superpig?

It's too hard for a pig to change clothes in a telephone booth.

What would happen if pigs went on strike?

They'd form pigget lines.

Where do pigs park their cars?

In porking lots.

What position does the pig play in football?

Loinback.

Why do pigs make good spies?

A: They're excellent at going in-hog-nito.

What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving ?

A road hog !

What does a chef call an undercover cop?

Pig in a blanket.

Why can't there be a Santa Pig?

Pigs don't fit in chimneys.

What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig?

A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

What age were pigs discovered in?

The Saus Age.

What do you call a pig that took a plane?

Swine flu!

Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?

A: Because it was always running out of the pen.

What do you get when you cross a pig with a ninja?

Pork Chop!

Where did you get that?

The pig replies, "I won her in a raffle."

What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig ?

A boar constrictor !

What about breakfast teaches us the difference between "interested" and "committed"?

In a ham and egg sandwich, the chicken had an interest, but the pig is committed.

How do you get your pigs to sleep at night?

No problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens. You must have a very large chicken house.

What's green and furry and smells like pig?

Kermit the Frog's finger

What did the dog say to the pig?

You are such a bore."

Why do pigs love Halloween?

There's lots of hogsgobblin.

What does the horse call the pigs on his farm?

Neigh-boars.

What is the difference between a hog and a man?

A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can f*** some pig.

Why is a pig in a water trough like a penny?

Because its head is on one side and its tail is on the other.

Where'd you get the pig"?

Woman: "How DARE you call my dog that!" Man: "I was talking to the dog!"

What do you get when you cross a pig with a billy goat?

A crashing bore.

How does a pig write home?

With a pig pen.

What did the pig say when the wolf grabbed her tail?

That's the end of me!"

What do cops do at a buffet?

They pig out.

What do you get when you cross a horse with a pig?

Sarah Jessica Porker

What soft drink do pigs like best?

Root beer.

What do you call a pig stuck in a topiary?

A hedgehog.

What's the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What kind of furniture do pigs like best?

Overstuffed.

What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof. Me: Horses 3: Neigh. Me: Pigs 3: Sizzle sizzle. Somebody understands bacon.

Why didn't the pig have to pay for drinks on the cruise?

A: It was all-oink-lusive.

What do you call an undercover cop?

A pig in a blanket.

What's that pig doing in the middle of the road with a red light on its head?

Didn't you tell me to put out a stop swine

What do you do for a pig with sore muscles?

Rub him with oinkment.

Why did the pig send his story to New York?

He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.

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Feel Jokes More Feel Jokes

How did the lame person feel when he was teased by people?

He couldn't stand it.

How are you feeling?

The thermometer responded, "0K."

Play Jokes More Play Jokes

What's the difference between rock and jazz?

Rock is playing three chords for a thousand people. Jazz is playing a thousand chords for three people.

Why don't violists play hide and seek?

A: Because no one will look for them.

Party Jokes More Party Jokes

What did the hippie say when asked to leave the party?

Namaste.

What do you call a party of communists that haven't seen each other in years?

Soviet Reunion Terrible and painful, I know.

Sleigh Jokes More Sleigh Jokes

What does Santa do to dragons?

He "sleighs" them.

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?

This one will sleigh you !

Pig Tie Jokes More Pig Tie Jokes

Why aren't pigs invited to black tie events?

Haven't you ever seen pig's tie? It's filthy!

What kind of tie does a pig wear ?

Pig's tie !

Turn Jokes More Turn Jokes

Why did Bill Gates &amp?

Warren Buffett once have me quickly kicked out of a game of bridge? When it was my turn to bid I kept saying, "Go fish".

Why did the elephant turn around in the airport and go home?

He forgot to pack his trunk.

Man Jokes More Man Jokes

What do you call a man holding two apples in one hand and three oranges in another?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house?

I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.

Piglet Jokes More Piglet Jokes

Why does Piglet smell?

Because he plays with Pooh.

Where did the piglets study their ABC's?

At a school for higher loining.