Believe Jokes

When he was told to "go big or go home," he only had one option. (I've posted this joke here before, but I believe I've been the first, so if you recognize it as a repost it's because I wanted to tell it again!)

What's the difference between a white story and a black story?

A white story starts with "Once Apon a Time" and a black story starts with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this"

What's the dating scene like at MIT?

Carbon-14 is the most common method, I believe.

What do you call 2 ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese?

A paradux

Where is the lost city of Atlantis?

Lantis. I can't believe nobody has thought to look there yet.

Why don't catholic priest believe in condoms?

Because little boys can't get pregnant.

What did one deer say to the other after leaving the bar?

I can't believe you just blew 50 bucks in there

Why shouldn't you tell a story to a solipsist?

Because they won't believe it.

Why did the boy stop using his Sony, his Boombox, and his Bose Radio?

He stopped believing in stereotypes.

What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa?

Some people actually believe santa exist.

Where's the cake?

Mom of kid: We don't believe in sugar. Me: I promise it's real. I've seen it with my own eyes.

Why didn't you obey that stop sign?

Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

What did one ghost say to the other?

Do you believe in people

Why did the atheist fail algebra?

He didn't believe in higher powers!

What is red... And smells like green paint?

Red paint! Whats green, and smells like red paint Green paint :) Can't believe how many time I switch to the second, and they don't get it!

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

Why can't you believe what an atom tells you?

Because they make up everything!

What do you call a god who lacks self-confidence?

An atheist. He doesn't really believe in himself.

What religion does a drinking feline believe?

Cat-holic

What's a chinese chef's favorite song?

I believe I can fry.

Why can't atheist solve exponential problems?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

What do you call an old-school CIA agent who believes his work is none of the public's goddamn business?

A Pte-redact-yl

Who is a Project Manager?

Project Manager is a person who believes that 9 women can deliver a baby in one month.

How does a CANDU reactor work?

By believing in itself.

Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

Why was the dyslexic atheist a cat person?

He doesn't believe in dog.

Why didn't the atheist businesswoman make any money?

She didn't believe in prophets.

What u doing?

Math, it's due Friday" *I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth* They'll never believe u

How can you celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in God?

I responded with, "How can you celebrate Valentine's Day if nobody loves you "

What traumatic event lead to you not believing in god?

Me: oh, um, science.

Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed?

Because he is lying.

What religion still believes in the Big Bang?

x-post from /r/imgoingtohellforthis Islam

What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?

I can't believe someone would stoop so low.

Why are there no owls here?

I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE! #hooters

What's believing in evolution?

Apetheism

How many true friends do you believe you have?

Me: Define "true friend." Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything. Me: 11,419.

Where's the baby?

while holding the baby. I can't believe it was legal for me to reproduce.

What's do Christians and politicians have in common?

They pick and choose what they want to believe.

What's the most believed oxymoron?

Peaceful muslims

Why did Karl Marx always buy cheap tea?

Because he believed that all proper tea was theft.

How many of you believe in psychokinesis?

Raise my hand. - Taken from local Chinese joint fortune cookie.

When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?

Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

How many of you believe in telekinesis?

Raise MY hand!

What did the pirate pirate say on his 80th birthday?

I can't believe I'm still illegally downloading movies at this age!"

What phone etiquette?

You hand me your phone, you better believe I'ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.

How is evolution and a Union construction job similar?

They take so long that some people don't believe they don't work.

What did one ghost say to another ghost?

Do you believe in people "

Why did the fallen child cross the road?

Believing that one day, the chicken will cross the road, it fills you with determination.

Why are Mumford &amp Sons the only agnostic rock band?

Because they don't even know if they believe.

What did one ghost say to another?

I'm sorry but I just don't believe in people.

Why shouldn't Canadian adults laugh at children who believe in the Easter Bunny?

Because most of them still believe in Justin Trudeau

What is the 100% guaranteed way to get younger looking skin?

Believe in reincarnation.

What were the martyr's last words?

I believe in peace in our time

Why can't atheists solve quadratic equations?

They don't believe in higher powers.

Why can't atheists solve exponential problems?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

Why did the girl walk past her crush twice?

He didn't believe in love at first sight.

What is it called when 5 girls get into bed with one guy?

A "no one will ever believe me".

Why don't all Libertarian candidates have dwarfism?

I thought Libertarians believed in small government.

How are men like television commercials?

A. You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 30 seconds.

Why are atheists afraid of exponents?

They don't believe in a higher power.

How many Buddhists does it take to screw a light bulb?

None. They believe that the enlightenment comes from within.

What kind of magic do cows believe in?

MOODOO.

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