Help Jokes

Why was Doughman the only hero to rise up and help?

because he was kneaded.

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What university department did the Fonz go do when he needed help paying his tuition?

Financial Ayyyyyyd I'll

What's the difference between former House Speakers Hastert and Pelosi?

Pelosi helped little boys. Hastert banged little boys.

Why are you late?

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.

When two ants want to run away and get married, who do they seek for help?

The Antelopes.

What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?

Squirrels they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

What did the pamphlet say to the booklet when it asked for help?

Bro sure!

What did the hammer announce over the intercom to the evacuating screws screaming for help?

This is not a drill!"

Why should you hire a drag queen to help clean your garage?

They know how to tuck away junk.

How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Please help. There are ten so far and they have invited their gross friends to our home. They are using the broken lightbulb to smoke crack off of.

How can working with cow hide help on a first date?

As if she's going to lay there and be swayed by some new buck.

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What is your best sushi-related joke or pun?

My dad and I are going out for sushi tonight, and he has rescheduled this dinner with me several times for dumb reasons (one night was because he randomly decided to go out drinking instead). Would love to get my revenge by making sushi puns and jokes all night, but Google is failing me--I've only been able to find jokes that either make no sense, or are just not funny at all. Help!

What are your favorite jokes for the Holidays?

For those of us that struggle with our family perhaps this will help break the ice.

How do you help someone with ADD or ADHD?

Send them to a concentration camp!

What TV personality lives in your phone?

SIM Card-ashian! (it might help if you say it out loud)

What's your emergency?

Boy: Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.

What do call an ant that helps you with your taxes?

An account-ant.

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

Just two. One to politely ask and the other to politely help.

How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

What did the black kid say to his mom when he had diarrhea?

Help! I'm melting!

What did Han Solo say when Leia asked for help with a crossword clue?

I don't know

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Why do happy people like to sleep in late?

Because they aren't mourning people. I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.

Why did Olly call the manager for help, outside the store?

For the watch..

Why doesn't God want to argue with Satan?

Because Satan has more politicians to help him.

Why can't some people help being born Chinese?

Because there's nothing wong with it.

What is trees' preferred drug?

Water. It helps them get high.

How does the redneck help his wife with the dishes?

He gets her Dawn.

What are some good Asian jokes you know?

I read some jokes from this sub to my Asian co-worker and she wanted me to ask if you guys have some good Asian jokes to help us get through the rest of the work day.

What's white, digs holes in your garden and helps with headaches?

A paracetamole!

How do you turn a computer into a zombie?

Send it a byte. Kind of lame but I couldn't help myself.

Why do I always sit in the back of an airplane?

Cos iv never heard of an airplane reverse into a mountain... ill help myself out...

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Whats the last letter in the alphabet?

somebody help plz I need help on kindergarten project

What do you call a person who helps teach others to fart?

A tooter. (thanks, honey)

Why did Einstein refuse to help people fix their cars?

Because his colleagues would call him the Quantum Mechanic.

What did the dolphin say when three orcas swam by?

Whale, whale, whale, who do we have here? Please, this is a cry for help.

What did Donkey Kong say when Mario asked him for help for some schoolwork?

I D K"

Why do fire departments have dalmatians?

To help the firemen find the hydrants

What's your favorite joke appropriate for a 6-8 year old?

I am a ski instructor and I've recently been teaching these two boys who are 6 and 8 year old brothers. I realized today that I know zero jokes appropriate enough or funny to this demographic. I feel like they think I am super boring. Give me some help to make the chairlift more exciting!!

What's the difference between organized crime and the government?

Only one of them is organized. Couldn't help but post this. Went to see a former mafia boss today, and that joke was told leading up to him speaking.

What do you call a bus driver who helps old people and parents with children on and off the bus?

A stand up driver.

Why is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb?

Many hands make light work.

What are the two biggest lies in Wyoming?

My truck is paid for, and honestly officer, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.

What did the newsletter say to the other newsletter when he asked for help?

Bro sure!

What do you call a family of redheads?

Gingerbread. Edit: This is more of an out-loud joke. So, maybe it'll help if it read: "Ginger-bred" instead.

What do women and Slinkies have in common?

Not much, but you can't help but crack a smile when see some tumbling down the stairs.

Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?

pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people

What will Ryan Lochte say if he looses "Dancing With the Stars"?

I was robbed" Sorry, that just came to me like a stroke of idiotic genius and I couldn't help myself.

What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails?

A retail store.

Why did he refuse help?

He was in The Nile

What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds?

Brexit

What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

How can I help you sir?

One clothes please!

What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU

Which vitamin best helps a pokemon breed?

PP Up.

What does a bro say when asked if he needs help doing a magic trick?

Nah brah, tadah brah!

Why shouldn't anybody help cats down a tree?

Because they're stuck up

Why do white girls help fight heartburn?

Because they're so basic.

Where can I donate to the American Red Cross?

I would like to help with house #7.

What kind of fish will help you hear better ?

A herring aid !

How do you help a lemon?

Lemon-aid.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout?

A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.

Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?

Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions

What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember. Apparently she learned bribery.

What helps keep your teeth together?

Toothpaste.

How can you help a starving cannibal?

Give them a hand !

Why is it so hard to help deaf people?

Because they never listen.

How did Hellen Keller break her arms when she fell down a well?

She was shouting for help.

What are the three biggest lies an Oklahoma State fan tells?

I WON this belt buckle, I OWN that truck, and I swear to God I was just helping that sheep over the fence.

What's the difference between an M&amp?

M and a tiny mute in your tuna sandwich screaming for help? One melts in your mouth, one mouths in your melt.

What's a man idea of helping with the housework?

Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing?

Help! My pocket's been picked!

What did one hand say to the other?

Help, I think I'm in glove".

What do ya call a bunch of guys breaking into a music store and helping themselves to the stringed instruments?

A: Luters.

Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie?

He never does it with a four-in (foreign)-hand.

How can I help you?

Me: "Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List !" Agent: "Umm..." Me: "DAMMIT, HE'S STARVING!"

Why did Muhammad hire Moses to help with his start-up?

He wanted to double his prophets.

How do you help a choking pig?

With the Ham-Lick maneuver of course

What did the horse say when he fell over?

Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up."

How do you help a sick ghost feel better?

Give it a BOO-quet of flowers!

Why are shopaholics so hard to help?

They can be very "clothes"-minded about the problem.

Where did they go?

Who took them Why aren't we helping to find them

What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the evening and 6 legs at night?

I've trapped it in my bedroom, send help...

What will Tesla build this christmas to help santa deliver presents?

An elf driving car

Why do you keep going back to that fishing website?

I can't help it I'm hooked.

How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer?

With dog diskettes!

Why did it take three burly Boy Scouts to help the old lady across the street?

A: Because she didn't want to go.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Which wizard can help you tone up your arms and upper body?

Dumbbelldor.

Why is it hard to hold a speech at a nudist convention?

It does not help to imagine people in their underwear.

What did the french fry say to the police officer?

Help me! I've been a-salted!

Why do blondes always die before help arrives?

A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

How can that help in this job?

You do the math"

Why did the music industry talent scout take a course in game programming?

He thought it would help him with his hit detection.

Why did the 2 contractors hire a pilot to help survey their land?

Because they really wanted a third's eye view!

What did the black kid with diarrhea say to his mom?

Help! I'm melting!

What is lemonade?

A: When you help an old lemon across the street.

What does Leia say when she needs help?

I think I could use a Han here.

What do Bernie Sanders and the Statue of Liberty have in common?

Common people sent both of them pennies to help build a foundation for liberty.

When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger?

WIFE : I clean the toilet.... HUSBAND:How does that help WIFE : I use your toothbrush.

Who are all these people Twitter wants me to follow?

Has the fail whale been stalking me. Help, stranger danger!

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